things like these taught me not to depend too utterly on my own skill. i might propose and believe, but there were things above my planning or powers, and creatures i might choose to despise were not so helpless after all. it fixed my thoughts permanently on the weakness of the human mind as a directing organ. one might think till doomsday in terms of human ideas, but apparently over and above ideas there were forces which superseded or controlled them.... my own fine contemptuous ideas might be superseded or set at naught by the raw animal or psychic force of a man like galvin.
during the next few months a number of things happened which seemed to broaden my horizon considerably. for one thing, my trip to chicago having revived interest in me in the minds of a number of newspaper men there, and having seemingly convinced them of my success here, i was bombarded with letters from one and another wanting to know whether or not they could obtain work here and whether i could and would aid them. at the close of the fair in chicago in october hard times were expected in newspaper circles there, so many men being released from work. i had letters from at least four, one of whom was a hanger-on by the name of michaelson, of whom more anon, who had attached himself to me largely because i was the stronger and he expected aid of me. i have often thought how frequently this has happened to me—one of my typical experiences, as it is of every one who begins to get along. it is so much easier for the strong to tolerate the weak than the strong. strength craves sycophancy. we want only those who will swing the censer before our ambitions and desires. michaelson, or “mich,” was a poor hack who had been connected with a commercial agency where daily reports had to be written out as to the financial and social condition of john smith the butcher, or george jones the baker. this led mich, who was a farm-boy to begin with, to imagine that he could write and that he would like to run a country paper, only he thought to get some experience in the city first. by some process, of which i forget the steps, he fixed on me; and through myself and mcennis, who was then so friendly to me, had secured a tryout on the globe in chicago. after i left mcennis quickly tired of him, and i heard of him next as working for the city press, an organization which served all newspapers, and paid next to nothing. next i heard that he was married (having succeeded so well!), and still later he began to bombard me with pleas for aid in getting a place in st. louis. also there were letters from much better men: h. l. dunlap, afterwards chief press advisor of president taft; an excellent reporter by the name of brady, whom i have previously mentioned; and a little later, john maxwell.
meanwhile, in spite of my great failure in connection with galvin, my standing with wandell seemed to rise rather than sink. believe it or no, i became a privileged character about this institution or its city room, a singular thing in the newspaper profession. because of specials i was constantly writing for the sunday paper, i was taken up by the sporting editor, who wanted my occasional help in his work; the dramatic editor, who wanted my help on his dramatic page, asking me to see plays from time to time; and the managing editor himself, a small, courteous, soft-spoken, red-headed man from kansas city, who began to invite me to lunch or dinner and talk to me as though i knew much (or ought to) about the world he represented. i was so unfitted for all this intellectually, my hour of stability and feeling for organization and control having not yet arrived, that i scarcely knew how to manage it. i was nervous, shy, poorly spoken, at least in their presence, while inwardly i was blazing with ambition, vanity and self-confidence. i wanted nothing so much as to be alone with my own desires and labors even though i believed all the while that i did not and that i was lonely and neglected!
unsophisticated as i really was, i began to see wandell as but a minor figure in this journalistic world, or but one of many, likely to be here and gone tomorrow, and i swaggered about, taking liberties which months before i should never have dreamed of taking. he talked to me too freely and showed me that he relied on my advice and judgment and admired my work. all out-of-town assignments of any importance were given to me. occasionally at seven in the evening he would say that he would buy me a drink if i would wait a minute, a not very wise thing to do. later, after completing one big assignment or another, i would stroll out of the office at, say, eight-thirty or nine without a word or a by-your-leave, and so respectful had he become that instead of calling me down in person he began writing me monitory letters, couched in the most diplomatic language but insisting that i abide by the rules which governed other reporters. but by now i had grown so in my own estimation that i smiled confidently, knowing very well that he would not fire me; my salary was too small. besides, i knew that he really needed me or some one like me and i saw no immediate rival anywhere, one who would work as hard and for as little. still i would reform for a time, or would plead that the managing or the dramatic editor had asked me to do thus and so.
“to hell with the managing editor!” he one day exclaimed in a rage. “this is my department. if he wants you to sit around with him let him come to me, or else you first see that you have my consent.”
at the same time he remained most friendly and would sit and chat over proposed stories, getting my advice as to how to do them, and as one man after another left him or he wanted to enlarge his staff he would ask me if i knew any one who would make a satisfactory addition. having had these appeals from dunlap, brady and several others still in chicago, i named first dunlap (because i felt so sure of his merit), and then these others. to my surprise, he had me write dunlap to come to work, and when he came and made good, wandell asked me to bring still others to him. this flattered me very much. i felt myself becoming a power. the result was that after a time five men, three from chicago and two from other papers in st. louis, were transferred to the staff of the republic by reason of my recommendation, and that with full knowledge of the fact that i was the one to whom they owed their opportunity. you may imagine the airs which i assumed.
about this time still another thing occurred which lifted me still more in my own esteem. strolling into the southern hotel one evening i chanced to see my old chief, mccullagh, sitting as was his custom near one of the pillars of the lobby reading his evening paper. it had always been such a pleasing and homelike thing in my days at the globe to walk into the lobby around dinner time and see this great chief in his low shoes and white socks sitting and reading here as though he were in his own home. it took away a bit of the loneliness of the city for me for he appeared to have no other home than this and he was my chief. and now, for the first time since i had so ignominiously retired from the globe, i saw him as before, smoking and reading. hitherto i had carefully avoided this and every other place at such hours as i was likely to encounter him. but now i had grown so conceited that i was not quite so much afraid of him; he was still wonderful to me but i was beginning to feel that i had a future of my own and that i could achieve it, regardless perhaps of the error that had so pained me then. still i felt to the full all that old allegiance, respect and affection which had dominated me while i was on the globe. he was my big editor, my chief, and there was none other like him anywhere for me, and there never was afterward. nearing the newsstand, for which i made at sight of him in the hope that i should escape unseen, i saw him get up and come forward, perhaps to secure a cigar or another paper. i flushed guiltily and looked wildly about for some place to hide. it was not to be.
“good evening, mr. mccullagh,” i said politely as he neared me.
“how d’ do?” he returned gutturally but with such an air of sociability as i had never noticed in him before. “how d’ do? well, you’re still about, i see. you’re on the republic, i believe?”
“yes, sir,” i said. i was so pleased and flattered to think that he should trouble to talk to me at all or to indicate that he knew where i was that i could scarcely contain myself. i wanted to thank him, to apologize, to tell him how wonderful he was to me and what a fool i was in my own estimation, but i couldn’t. my tongue was thick.
“you like it over there?”
“yes, sir. fairly well, sir.” i was as humble in his presence as a jackie is before an officer. he seemed always so forceful and commanding.
“that little matter of those theaters,” he began after a pause, turning and walking back to his chair, i following, “—um! um! i don’t think you understand quite how i felt about that. i was sorry to see you go. um! um!” and he cleared his throat. “it was an unfortunate mistake all around. i want you to know that i did not blame you so much. um! you might have been relieved of other work. i don’t want to take you away from any other paper, but—um!—i want you to know that if you are ever free and want to come back you can. there is no prejudice in my mind against you.”
i don’t know of anything that ever moved me more. it was wonderful, thrilling. i could have cried from sheer delight. he, my chief, saying this to me! and after all those wretched hours! what a fool i was, i now thought, not to have gone to him personally then and asked his consideration. however, as i saw it, it was too late. why change now and go back? but i was so excited that i could scarcely speak, and probably would not have known what to say if i had tried. i stood there, and finally blurted out:
“i’m very sorry, mr. mccullagh. i didn’t mean to do what i did. it was a mistake. i had that extra assignment and—”
“o-oh, that’s all right—that’s all right,” he insisted gruffly and as if he wished to be done with it once and for all. “no harm done. i didn’t mind that so much. but you needn’t have left—that’s what i wish you to understand. you could have stayed if you had wanted to.”
as i viewed it afterward, my best opportunity for a secure position in st. louis was here. if i had only known it, or, knowing, had been quick to take advantage of it, i might have profited greatly. mr. mccullagh’s mood was plainly warm toward me; he probably looked upon me as a foolish and excitable but fairly capable boy whom it would have been his pleasure to assist in the world. he had brought me from chicago; perhaps he wished me to remain under his eye.... plainly, a word, and i could have returned, i am sure of it, perhaps never to leave. as it was, however, i was so nervous and excited that i took no advantage of it. possibly he noticed my embarrassment and was pleased. at any rate, as i mumbled my thanks and gratitude for all he had done for me, saying that if i were doing things over i should try to do differently, he interrupted me with:
“just a moment. it may be that you have some young friend whom you want to help to a position here in st. louis. if you have, send him to me. i’ll do anything i can for him. i’m always glad to do anything i can for young men.”
i smiled and flushed and thanked him, but for the life of me i could think of nothing else to say. it was so strange, so tremendous, that this man should want to do anything for me after all the ridiculous things i had done under him that i could only hurry away, out of his sight. once in the shielding darkness outside i felt better but sad. it seemed as if i had made a mistake, as if i should have asked him to take me back.
“why, he as much as offered to!” i said to myself. “i can go back there any time i wish, or he’ll give me a place for some one else—think of it! then he doesn’t consider me a fool, as i thought he did!”
for days thereafter i went about my work trying to decide whether i should resign from the republic and return to him, only now i seemed so very important here, to myself at least, that it did not seem wise. wasn’t i getting along? would returning to work under mitchell be an advantage? i decided not. also, that i had no real excuse for leaving the republic at present; so i did nothing, waiting to be absolutely sure what i wanted to do. there was a feeling growing in me at this time that i really did not want to stay in st. louis at all, that perhaps it would be better for me if i should move on elsewhere. mcennis, as i recalled, had cautioned me to that effect. another newspaper man writing me from chicago and asking for a place (a friend of dunlap’s, by the way), i recommended him and he was put to work on the globe-democrat. and so my reputation for influence in local newspaper affairs grew.
and in the meantime still other things had been happening to me which seemed to complicate my life here and make me almost a fixture in st. louis. for one thing, worrying over the well-being of my two brothers, e—— and a——, who were still in chicago, and wishing to do something to improve their condition, i thought that st. louis would be as good a place for them as any in which to try their fortunes anew. both had seemed rather unhappy in chicago and since i was getting along here i felt that it would be only decent in me to give them a helping hand if i could. the blood-tie was rather strong in me then. i have always had a weakness for members of our family regardless of their deserts or mine or what i thought they had done to me. i had a comfortable floor with ample room for them if i chose to invite them, and i thought that my advice and aid and enthusiasm might help them to do better. there was in me then, and has remained (though in a fading form, i am sorry to say), a sort of home-longing (the german heimweh, no doubt) which made me look back on everything in connection with our troubled lives with a sadness, an ache, a desire to remedy or repair if possible some of the ills and pains that had beset us all. we had not always been unhappy together; what family ever has been? we had quarreled over trivial things, but there had been many happy hours. and now we were separated, and these two brothers were not doing as well as i.
i say it in faint extenuation of all the many hard unkind things i have done in my time, that at the thought of the possible misery some of my brothers and sisters might be enduring, the lacks from which they might be hopelessly suffering, my throat often tightened and my heart ached. life bears so hard on us all, on many so terribly. what, e—— or a—— longing for something and not being able to afford it! it hurt me far more than any lack of my own ever could. it never occurred to me that they might be wishing to help me; it was always i, hard up or otherwise, wishing that i might do something for them. and this longing in the face of no complaint on their part and no means on mine to translate it into anything much better than wishes and dreams made it all the more painful at times.
my plan was to bring them here and give them a little leisure to look about for some way to better themselves, and then—well, then i should not need to worry about them so much. with this in mind i wrote first to e—— and then a——, and the former, younger and more restless and always more attracted to me than any of the others, soon came on; while a—— required a little more time to think. however, in the course of time he too appeared, and then we three were installed in my rooms, the harboring of my brothers costing me five additional dollars. here we kept bachelor’s hall, gay enough while it lasted but more or less clouded over all the while by their need of finding work.
i had forgotten, or did not know, or the fact did not make a sufficiently sharp impression on me, that this was a panic year (1893) and that there were hundreds of thousands of men out of work, the country over. indeed, trade was at a standstill, or nearly so. when i first went on the republic, if i had only stopped to remember, many factories were closing down or slowing up, discharging men or issuing scrip of their own wherewith to pay them until times should be better, and some shops and stores were failing entirely. it had been my first experience of a panic and should have made a deep impression on me had i been of a practical turn, for one of my earliest assignments had been to visit some of the owners of factories and stores and shops and ask the cause of their decline and whether better times were in sight. occasionally even then i read long editorials in the republic or the globe on the subject, yet i could take no interest in them. they were too heavy, as i thought. yet i can remember the gloom hanging over streets and shops and how solemnly some of the manufacturers spoke of the crisis and the hard times yet in store. there were to be hard times for a year or more.
i recall one old man at this time, very prosy and stiff and conventional, “one of our best business men,” who had had a large iron factory on the south side for fifty years and who now in his old age had to shut down for good. being sent out to interview him, i found him after a long search in one of the silent wings of his empty foundry, walking about alone examining some machinery which also was still. i asked him what the trouble was and if he would resume work soon again.
“just say that i’m done,” he replied. “this panic has finished me. i could go on later, i suppose, but i’m too old to begin all over again. i haven’t any money now, and that’s all there is to it.”
i left him meditating over some tool he was trying to adjust.
in the face of this imagine my gayly inviting my two brothers to this difficult scene and then expecting them to get along in some way, persuading them to throw up whatever places or positions they had in chicago! yet in so doing i satisfied an emotional or psychic longing to have them near me and to do something for them, and beyond that i did not think.
in fact it took me years and years to get one thing straight in my poor brain, and that was this: that aside from the economic or practical possibility of translating one’s dreams into reality, the less one broods over them the better. here i was now, earning the very inadequate stipend of eighteen dollars—or it may have been twenty or twenty-two, for i have a dim recollection of having been given at least one raise in pay—yet with no more practical sense than to undertake a burden which i could not possibly sustain. for despite my good intentions i had no surplus wherewith to sustain my brothers, assuming that their efforts proved even temporarily unavailing. all this dream of doing something for them was based on good will and a totally inadequate income. in consequence it could not but fail, as it did, seeing that st. louis was far less commercially active than chicago. it was not growing much and there was an older and much more european theory of apprenticeship and continuity in place and type of work than prevailed at that time in the windy city. work was really very hard to get, especially in manufacturing and commercial lines, and in consequence my two brothers, after only a week or two of pleasuring, which was all i could afford, were compelled to hunt here and there, early and late, without finding anything to do. true, i tried to help them in one way and another with advice as to institutions, lines of work and the like, but to no end.
but before and after they came, how enthusiastically and no doubt falsely i painted the city of st. louis, its large size, opportunities, beauties, etc., and once they were here i put myself to the task of showing them its charms; but to no avail. we went about together to restaurants, parks, theaters, outlying places. as long as it was new and they felt that there was some hope of finding work they were gay enough and interested and we spent a number of delightful hours together. but as time wore on and fading summer days proved that their dreams and mine were hopeless and they could do no better here than in chicago if as well, their moods changed, as did mine. the burden of expense was considerable. while paying gayly enough for food and rent, and even laundry, for the three, i began to wonder whether i should be able to endure the strain much longer. love them as i might in their absence, and happy as i was with them, still it was not possible for me to keep up this pace. i was depriving myself of bare necessities, and i think they saw it. i said nothing, of that i am positive, but after a month or six weeks of trial and failure they themselves saw the point and became unhappy over it. our morning and evening hours, whenever i could see them in the evening, became less and less gay. finally a——, with his usual eye for the sensible, announced that he was tired of searching here and was about to return to chicago. he did not like st. louis anyhow; it was a “hell of a place,” a third-rate city. he was going back where he could get work. and e——, perhaps recalling past joys of which i knew nothing, said he was going also. and so once more i was alone.
yet even this rough experience had no marked effect on me. it taught me little if anything in regard to the economic struggle. i know now that these two must have had a hard time replacing themselves in chicago at that time, but the meaning of it did not get to me then. as for e——, some years later i persuaded him to join me in new york, where i managed to keep him by me that time until he became self-supporting.
