on the day of her arrival i arrayed myself in my best, armed myself with flowers, candy and two tickets for the theater, and made my way out to her aunt’s in one of the simpler home streets in the west end. i was so fearful that my afternoon assignment should prove a barrier to my seeing her that day that i went to her as early as ten-thirty, intending to offer her the tickets and arrange to stop for her afterwards at the theater; or, failing that, to see her for a little while in the evening if my assignments permitted. i was so vain of my standing in her eyes, so anxious to make a good impression, that i was ashamed to confess that my reportorial duties made it difficult for me to see her at all. after my free days in chicago i wanted her to think that i was more than a mere reporter, a sort of traveling correspondent and feature man, which in a way i was, only my superiors were determined to keep me for some reason in the ordinary reportorial class taking daily assignments as usual. instead of confessing my difficulties i made a great show of freedom.
i found her in a small tree-shaded, cool-looking brick house, with a brick sidewalk before it and a space of grass on one side. never did place seem more charming. i stared at it as one might at a shrine. here at last was the temporary home of my beloved, and she was within!
i knocked, and an attractive slip of a girl (her niece, as i learned) answered. i was shown into a long, dustless, darkened parlor. after giving me time to weigh the taste and affluence of her relatives according to my standards, she arrived, the beloved, the beautiful. in view of many later sadder things, it seems that here at least i might attempt to do her full justice. she seemed exquisite to me then, a trim, agreeable sylph of a girl, with a lovely oval face, stark red hair braided and coiled after the fashion of a greek head, a clear pink skin, long, narrow, almond-shaped, gray-blue eyes, delicate, graceful hands, a perfect figure, small well-formed feet. there was something of the wood or water nymph about her, a seeking in her eyes, a breath of wild winds in her hair, a scarlet glory to her mouth. and yet she was so obviously a simple and inexperienced country girl, caught firm and fast in american religious and puritanic traditions and with no hint in her mind of all the wild, mad ways of the world. sometimes i have grieved that she ever met me, or that i so little understood myself as to have sought her out.
i first saw her, after this long time, framed in a white doorway, and she made a fascinating picture. here, as in chicago, she seemed shy, innocent, questioning, as one who might fly at the first sound. i gazed in admiration. despite a certain something in her letters which had indirectly assured me of her affection or her desire for mine, still she held aloof, extending a cool hand and asking me to sit down, smiling tenderly and graciously. i felt odd, out of place, and yet wonderfully drawn to her, passionately interested. what followed by way of conversation i cannot remember now—talk of the fair, i suppose, some of those we had known, her summer, mine. she took my roses and pinned some of them on, placing the rest in a jar. there was a piano here, and after a time she consented to play. in a moment, it seemed, it was twelve-thirty, and i had to go.
i walked on air. it seemed to me that i had never seen any one more beautiful—and i doubt now that i had. there was no reason to be applied to the thing: it was plain infatuation, a burning, consuming desire for her. if i had lost her then and there, or any time within a year thereafter, i should have deemed it the most amazing affair of my life.
i returned to the office and took some assignment, which i cut short at three-thirty in order to get back to the grand opera house to sit beside her. the play was an irish love drama, with chauncey olcott, the singing comedian, in the title rôle. with her beside me i thought it perfect. love! ah, love! when the performance was ended i was ready to weep over the torturing beauty of life. outside we found the matinée crowds, the carriages, the sense of autumn gayety and show in the air. a nearby ice-cream and candy store was crowded to suffocation. young girls of the better families hummed like bees. because of my poverty and uncertain station i felt depressed, at the same time pretending to a station which i felt to be most unreal. the mixture of ambition and uncertainty, pride, a gay coaxing in the air, added to the need to return to conventional toil—how these tortured me! nothing surprises me now more than my driving emotions all through this period. i was as one possessed.
we parted at a street-car—when i wanted a carriage! we met at her aunt’s home at eight-thirty, because i saw an opportunity of deliberately evading an assignment. in this simple parlor i dreamed the wildest, the most fantastic dreams. she was the be-all and the end-all of my existence. now i must work for her, wait for her, succeed for her! her mediocre piano technique seemed perfect, her voice ideal! never was such beauty, such color. st. louis took on a glamour which it had never before possessed.... if only this love affair could have gone on to a swift fruition it would have been perfect, blinding.
but all the formalities, traditions, beliefs, of a conventional and puritanic region were in the way. love, as it is in most places, and despite its consuming blaze, was a slow process. there must be many such visits, i knew, before i could even place an arm about her. i was to be permitted to take her to church, to concerts, the theater, a restaurant occasionally, but nothing more.
the next morning i went to church with her; the next afternoon unavoidable work kept me from her, but that night i shirked and stayed with her until eleven. the next morning, since she had to catch an early train for florissant, i slept late, but during the next two weeks (she could not come oftener, having to spend one sunday with her “folks,” as she referred to them) i poured forth my amazement and delight on reams of thin paper. i wonder now where they are. once there was a trunk full.
perhaps the most interesting effect of this sudden fierce passion was the heightened color it lent to everything. never before had i realized quite so clearly the charm of life as life, its wondrous singing, its intense appeal. i remember witnessing a hanging about this time, standing beside the murderer when the trap was sprung, and being horrified, sickened to death, yet when i returned to the office and there was a letter from her—the world was perfect once more, no evil or pain in it! i followed up the horrors of a political catastrophe, in which a city treasurer shot himself to escape the law—but a letter from her, and the world was beautiful. a negro in an outlying county assaulted a girl, and i arrived in time to see him lynched, but walking in the wood afterward, away from the swinging body, i thought of her—and life contained not a single ill. such is infatuation. if i had been alive before, now i was more than alive. i tingled all over with longing and aspiration—to be an editor, a publisher, a playwright—i know not what. the simple homes i had dreamed over before as representing all that was charming and soothing and shielding were now twice as attractive. love, all its possibilities, paraded before my eyes, a gorgeous, fantastic procession. love! love! the charm of a home in which it would find its most appropriate setting! the brooding tenderness of it! its healing force against the blows of ordinary life! to be married, to have your beloved with you, to have a charming home to which to return of an evening, or at any hour, sick or well! i was young, in good health and spirits. in a few years i should be neither so young nor so vital. age would descend, cold, gray, thin, passionless. this glorious, glorious period of love, desire, would be gone, and then what? ah, and then what! if i did not achieve now and soon all that i desired in the way of tenderness, fortune, beauty—now when i was young and could enjoy it—my chance would once and for all be over. i should be helpless. youth would come no more! love would come no more! but now—now—life was sounding, singing, urging, teasing; but also it was running away fast, and what was i doing about it? what could i do?
the five months which followed were a period of just such color and mood, the richest period of rank romanticism i have ever endured. at times i could laugh, at others sigh, over the incidents of this period, for there is as little happiness in love as there is out of it, at least in my case. if i had only known myself i might have seen, and that plainly, that it was not any of the charming conventional things which this girl represented but her charming physical self that i craved. the world, as i see it now, has trussed itself up too helplessly with too many strings of convention, religion, dogma. it has accepted too many rules, all calculated for the guidance of individuals in connection with the propagation and rearing of children, the conquest and development of this planet. this is all very well for those who are interested in that, but what of those who are not? is it everybody’s business to get married and accept all the dictates of conventional society—that is, bear and rear children according to a given social or religious theory? cannot the world have too much of mere breeding? are two billion wage slaves, for instance, more advantageous than one billion, or one billion more than five hundred million? or is an unconquered planet less interesting than a conquered one? isn’t the mere contact of love, if it produces ideas, experiences, tragedies even, as important as raising a few hundred thousand coal miners, railroad hands or heroes destined to be eventually ground or shot in some contest with autocratic or capitalistic classes? and, furthermore, i am inclined to suspect that the monogamous standard to which the world has been tethered much too harshly for a thousand years or more now is entirely wrong. i do not believe that it is nature’s only or ultimate way of continuing or preserving itself. nor am i inclined to accept the belief that it produces the highest type of citizen. the ancient world knew little of strict monogamy, and some countries today are still without it. even in our religious or moralistic day we are beginning to see less and less of its strict enforcement. (fifty thousand divorces in one state in one year is but a straw.) it is a product, i suspect, of intellectual lethargy or dullness, a mental incapacity for individuality. what we have achieved is a vast ruthless machine for the propagation of people far beyond the world’s need, even its capacity to support decently. in special cases, where the strong find themselves, we see more of secret polygamy and polyandry than is suspected by the dull and the ignorant. economic opportunity, plus love or attraction, arranges all this, all the churches, laws, disasters to the contrary notwithstanding. love or desire, where economic conditions permit, will and does find a way.
here i was dreaming of all the excellencies of which the conventionalists prate in connection with home, peace, stability and the like, anxious to put my neck under that yoke, when in reality what i really wanted, and the only thing that my peculiarly erratic and individual disposition would permit, was mental and personal freedom. i did not really want any such conventional girl at all, and if i had clearly understood what it all meant i might have been only too glad to give her up. what i wanted was the joy of possessing her without any of the hindrances or binding chains of convention and monogamy, but she would none of it. this unsatisfied desire, added to a huge world-sorrow over life itself, the richness and promise of the visible scene, the sting and urge of its beauty, the briefness of our days, the uncertainty of our hopes, the smallness of our capacity to achieve or consume where so much is, produced an intense ache and urge which endured until i left st. louis. i was so staggered by the promise and the possibilities of life, at the same time growing more and more doubtful of my capacity to achieve anything, that i was falling into a profound sadness. yet i was only twenty-two, and between these thoughts would come intense waves of do and dare: i was to be all that i fancied, achieve all that i dreamed. as a contrast to all these thoughts, fancies, and depressions, i indulged in a heavy military coat of the most disturbing length, a wide-brimmed stetson hat, southern style, gloves, a cane, soft pleated shirts—a most outré equipment for all occasions including those on which i could call upon her or take her to a theater or restaurant. i remember one saturday morning, when i was on my way to see my lady love and had stopped at the olympic to secure two seats, meeting a dapper, rather flashy newspaper man. i had on the military coat, and the hat, a pair of bright yellow gloves, narrow-toed patent leather shoes, a ring, a pin, a suit brighter than his own, a cane, and i was carrying a bouquet of roses. i was about to take a street-car out to her place, not being prosperous enough to hire a carriage.
“well, for sake, old man, what’s up?” he called, seizing me by the arm. “you’re not getting married, are you?”
“aw, cut the comedy!” i replied, or words to that effect. “can’t a fellow put on any decent clothes in this town without exciting the natives? what’s wrong?”
“nothing, nothing,” he replied apologetically. “you look swell. you got on more dog than ever i see a newspaper man around here pull. you must be getting along! how are things at the republic, anyhow?”
we now conversed more affably. he touched the coat gingerly and with interest, felt of the quality of the cloth, looked me up and down, seemingly with admiration—more likely with amazement—shook his head approvingly and said: “some class, i must say. you’re right there, sport, with the raiment,” and walked off.
it was in this style that i prosecuted my quest. for my ordinary day’s labor i wore other clothes, but sometimes, when stealing a march on my city editor saturday afternoons or sundays or evenings, i had to perform a lightning change act in order to get into my finery, pay my visit, and still get back to the office between eleven and twelve, or before six-thirty, in my ordinary clothes. sometimes i changed as many as three times in one afternoon or evening. my room being near here facilitated this. a little later, when i was more experienced, i aided myself to this speed by wearing all but the coat and hat, an array in which i never presumed to enter the office. even my ultra impressive suit and my shoes, shirts and ties attracted attention.
“gee whiz, mr. dreiser!” my pet office boy at the republic once remarked to me as i entered in this array, “you certainly look as though you ought to own the paper! the boss don’t look like you.”
wandell, williams, the sporting editor, the religious editor, the dramatic editor, all eyed me with evident curiosity. “you certainly are laying it on thick these days,” williams genially remarked, beaming on me with his one eye.
as for my lady love—well, i reached the place where i could hold her hand, put my arms about her, kiss her, but never could i induce her to sit upon my lap. that was reserved for a much later date.
