“the proper study of mankind in food.”
[423] next morning, while our party were at breakfast, who should make his appearance but gayfield, whose elasticity of spirits, and volubility of tongue, appeared, if possible, to have acquired an additional impulse of action.
“my dear fellow,” he commenced, addressing bob, “as you are so soon about to leave us, i feel anxious you should carry with you all the information possible on that interesting subject, life in london. long as your stay in the metropolis has been, still, where the subjects are so varying—so ever varying—so multifarious—and the field for observation so unlimited, it is impossible but that something must have escaped your notice.
“i have been scribbling to a friend in the country, whom i occasionally endeavour to amuse with “sketches of scenes in london;” and, as i flatter myself, it exhibits something of novelty both in character, situation, and incident, you shall hear it.”
“dear dick—i told you that i was about to have the honour of being introduced to tin; celebrated dr. kitchen. 'he was a man, take him for all in all, i ne'er shall look upon his like again.' it was evidently one of ?nature's worst journeymen' that made him; for he has not a limb which appears to appertain to his body; they look precisely as if they were purchased at an auction. this little man, who seems born to be 'girded at' by jokers of all classes, sharing the prevalent rage for notoriety, has written two works, one in the character of a gourmand, and the other of a musician. but not content with the fame he has thus acquired, he has persuaded himself that he is an excellent singer. nay, it was given out lately, by his own concurrence, that he intended to sing at a concert at the argyle rooms; and although he has no more voice than a [424] cat, he was under the full impression that his majesty, at the conclusion of the last court-day, intended to call upon him for a song. the doctor asked me and caustic to one of his literary dinners; and as t have supplied you with a sketch of a cook-shop gourmand, i make no apology for shewing up a more elevated class of gastronomes, by reporting the doctor's speech on this occasion.—
“'on entering the world, the acuteness of my palate and vigour of digestion disposed me to conceive that i should excel in the fraternal sciences of eating and drinking; and i entertained no doubt but my vapid organs would be considerably improved by frequent exercise. taste has various departments—painting, architecture, sculpture, &c.; but impressed with the conviction that my only office in this world was to invent new dishes and devour them, i collected all the culinary writers from caxton to mons. ude, of modern celebrity. as science proceeds by gradual advances, i frequented the better sort of coffee-houses, to initiate myself in the correct nomenclature of different dishes, and to judge of their skilful preparation. these, to be sure, are proper schools for a beginner; but i soon discovered that these victuallers, on account of their numerous visitants, who are disposed to eat much and pay little, could not afford to furnish the most costly and exquisite entrees. sometimes i found that the same turkey had been twice subjected to the spit; a sole that had been broiled the day before, underwent the operation of frying on the following. cold meat appeared as hot pie, with many other curious and ingenious devices. then the wine was so adulterated, compelled, like a melancholic patient, to look old before its time, and fitted, like a pauper, with a ready-made coat perceptibly impregnated with bad brandy, and tasted of every thing but the grape, that, in about six months, i sickened, and no longer frequented these tasteless and inhospitable retreats for the hungry.
“'to view the ordinary arrangements of a modern dinner is a “sorry sight:”—a dozen articles placed at once upon the table—then, on the removal of the covers, comes the ferocious onset; some tremulous paralytic serving the soup, and scattering it in all directions, excepting into the plate where it ought to be delivered; [425] then an unhandy dandy mutilates the fish by cutting it in a wrong direction; here, an officious ignoramus tears asunder the members of a fowl as coarsely as the four horses dragged ravillac, limb from limb; there, another simpleton notching a tongue into dissimilar slices, while a purblind coxcomb confounds the different sauces, pouring anchovy on pigeon-pie, and parsley and butter on roast-beef. all these barbarisms are unknown at my table.
“'perhaps one of the most gratifying things in nature, far beyond any thing hitherto conveyed by landscape or historical painting, is to behold my guests in silence sip their wine. as the glass is held up, the eye and the orient liquor reciprocally sparkle; its bouquet expands the nostrils, elevates the eyebrow to admiration, and composes the lips to a smile. when its crystal receptacle, which is as thin as indian paper, (for observe, to use a thick wine-glass is to drink with a gag in your mouth) touches the lips, they become comprest, to allow the thinnest possible stream to enter, that its flavour be thoroughly ascertained, and that successive perceptions of palateable flavour may terminate in the gulph of ecstacy.
“'i am fully aware that the pleasures of the table cannot be indulged without some hazard to the constitution; it is therefore the business of my serious reflections to counteract the invasions of disease, and provide timely remedies for its attack. a gold box is always placed on the table with the desert, containing a store of pills, which are of a very moving quality and speedy operation, called “peristaltic persuaders.” in an adjoining room, there is a basin, as large as an ordinary washing-tub, with a copper of chamomile-tea; and a cupper is engaged to be in constant attendance till the guests depart.
“'gentlemen, i once became a member of a fashionable dinner-club, managed by a superintending committee, who purchased their own wine, and engaged a culinary artist of established reputation. this club was a diversified assemblage, consisting of some sprigs of the nobility and a few old standards; several members of parliament, who became very troublesome by repeating the speeches that had been uttered in the house, and were, besides, always attempting to reform the club. but this was less offensive to me than others, as i make it a [426] rule never to attend to conversation unless it relates to improvements in cookery. the remainder of our club was composed of a few hungry querulous lawyers, two or three doctors, who had increased the means of gratifying their appetites by destroying the digestive faculties of their patients. there is nothing permanent in the world; therefore, in about two years, the club dwindled away; a set of rascally economists complained of expense; the cook, a very honest man and skilful professor, was accused of peculation by the reformers, and turned adrift for modestly demonstrating that he could not make turtle out of tripe, nor convert sprats into red mullet. several members moved off without paying their arrears. the managing committee disposed of the premises, plate, furniture, and wines, and pocketed the money; and thus the club was dissolved.'
“it was on this occasion that the doctor proposed his celebrated ?committee of taste,' with the proceedings of which i shall, perhaps, have occasion, at some future time, to make you acquainted.”
gayfield's humorous epistle amused the party much, and bob felt complimented by the attention paid to the finish of his studies of metropolitan life and manners. the fine appearance of the morning determined them on a stroll through the leading thoroughfares, as it would afford tallyho the opportunity of completing such purchases as were necessary prior to his departure for the country. in passing covent garden, their attention was attracted by a numerous and grotesque assemblage, in which they soon mixed, and were highly diverted by the following whimsical exhibition, displaying the astonishing sagacity and feelings of the monkey species. an itinerant showman, who for some time past exhibited two dancing monkeys about the town, had pitched his stage in a part of the market. when his poles and cords were fixed, and the monkeys in their full dress were about to commence, the celebrated flying pieman came by with his basket, and, having furnished himself with a bottle of gin, he leaped upon the stage, and treated the showman and one of the monkeys with a glass each; the other monkey however declined taking any, and was leaping about to avoid it; but the pieman served out the second glass, and the former monkey took his with apparent gladness. the pieman again seized the monkey [427] who declined it before, but he still scorned to take any. the by-standers called out to the pieman to throw it at him, and the pieman flung it in his face. instantly, the monkey who drank the gin, and who was half drunk by this time, to resent the injury, sprang upon the pieman, seized him by the arm, and would have torn that piece of the flesh entirely out, only for its master, who with much difficulty made him relinquish his hold. the pieman was dangerously wounded, and was carried to a doctor's shop to get his arm dressed.
passing on, the next object of attention was the police office, bow street. here the party determined to rest for a short time, and after listening to several uninteresting cases relating to hackney coach fares, they were at length rewarded for their lost time and patience, by a case, in which the tables were completely turned upon mr. jehu, and which we hope will act as a caution to others of the profession who have a taste for swearing and abuse.
