in cities, foul example on most minds
begets its likeness. rank abundance breeds
in gross and pamper'd cities sloth and lust,
and wantonness and gluttonous excess.
in cities, vice is hidden with more ease,
or seen with least reproach; and virtue, taught
by frequent lapse, can hope no triumph there
beyond th' achievement of successful flight.
i do confess them nurs'ries of the arts,
in which they flourish most; where, in the beams
of warm encouragement, and in the eye
of public note, they reach their perfect size.
such london is, by taste and wealth proclaim'd
the fairest capital of all the world;
by riot and incontinence the worst.
[428] the arrival of the day for separation was anticipated, and the morning arose upon dashall with a gloomy aspect, originating in the temper of his mind; for he was by no means pleased with the adventure of laconic, which operated to prevent his departure with his friends. sparkle and tallyho were, however, upon the alert, and determined on pursuing their original intentions. tom had none of his usual vivacity about him. in vain he tried to muster up his spirits, his attempts at wit were pointless and did not escape the notice of sparkle, who secretly enjoyed his chagrin, feeling assured that as it was created by their departure, he would not delay joining them longer than necessity absolutely required. “why how now, tom,” said sparkle, “you are out, and seem to be in queer stirrups, as if you had an uneasy saddle. you seem to part with your cousin as a young man would with the beloved of his heart.” “i confess i am disappointed,” replied tom.
“but since grieving's a folly,
why let us be jolly.”
[429] “i am determined to spend the last moments with you—so start off the rattle traps, the upper toggery's and travelling caps, we will take a last turn together, and a parting dinner and glass of wine at the bull and mouth, and i'll warrant you i won't be long behind. all i regret is, i can't accompany you at present.” upon this intimation, the remainder of their luggage and clothing were despatched by a servant, with an order to provide a good dinner for them at half past five.
things were now all m a fair train, and this business being despatched, all was anxiety for the arrival of the moment, though with different sensations; sparkle to meet his wife, bob to return to his native home, and tom displeased and disappointed in every way, although he determined to be as agreeable as he could under existing circumstances. time however being heavy on their hands, but as bob was anxious to make a few more purchases for presents on his return home, they started early for the bull and mouth.
“you have now,” said dashall to his cousin, “had some experience in real life in london, and i have reason to think you will not return to the country a worse man than you left it. variety is charming, and the change from one to the other will give additional zest and pleasure.”
“i have reason,” replied bob, “to feel myself under a very particular obligation to you for the excellent care, kindness and attention, as well as information i have derived, and it cannot easily be obliterated from my recollection; but i at the same time must observe, that i have no very great relish for london as a continual residence. when you arrive in the country i will try if i cannot be as explanatory and amusing. at all events i expect you will give me the trial.
“i'll give you a chevy over the hills, a pop at the pheasants, and a pick at them afterwards; besides which, you know, we have some very pretty lasses in our neighbourhood, to whom you have already been introduced, and to whom you shall be better known.”
“i know, i know,” said tom, in a hurried manner, which strongly indicated some other motive for regret than that which arose from mere disappointment at not being a partner in their journey, and from which sparkle did not fail to draw an inference, that some roguish eyes had been darting their beams into the bosom of his friend.
[430] “i see how it is now,” cried sparkle, “tom is not cut but caught, and i'll sport a fifty, that the evergreen tom dashall, of london, will be transplanted to entwine with some virgin blossom of the country, before another twelve months.”
tom was silent.
tallyho smiled in accordance with the sentiment of sparkle, and declared he would not take the bet.
“it's of very little use,” cried dashall, recovering himself after a short pause, “i may as well make a merit of necessity. i confess i have a sort of a liking for the gay and sprightly lydia forcetext, the parson's daughter; and if—but curse if's—i hate if, i wish there was no such word in the english language.”
“ha, ha, ha!” exclaimed sparkle, “i thought we should find you out—but come, i think i may say there is not much for you to fear—if you are but serious.”
“it is a serious subject, and if we continue, this conversation i shall grow downright sentimental—so no more at present—we have not much time to spare—and as i mean to make use of every minute, let us look around for any novelty that may occur before your departure.”
“well,” said sparkle, “i must say i do not know of any thing so new to me as the very subject we were upon—but as you wish it dropped—why e'en let it be so—i have no desire to be either particular or personal.”
and as london's the object we've long had in view,
as long as we can, we'll that object pursue.
and as visions we know have been for an old grudge meant,
we'll make ours a view—not a vision of—judgment.
“good,” said tom, “and as the lines are extemporaneous we will not be over-nice in the criticism.”
“at least,” continued sparkle, “you will admit it is better to be a bad poet—than a bad man.”
“agreed—agreed,” replied tom.—“but who in the name of wonder have we here—the emperor of hair-dressers and head-cutters turned print-seller—why, this was money's, where i have, before now, had a clip.”
[431] “nay, nay,” said sparkle, “don't be in a hurry to form your judgment—his ingenuity is at work, and really it will be worth while to have a cut all round; for i find he gives a portrait, displaying the most fashionable parisian dresses to every customer. some you know present bank, or, more properly speaking, flush notes upon these occasions; but certainly this is a less exceptionable plan.—what say you?”
“with all my heart:” and into the magazin de mode they marched; to which they were welcomed by the artist himself—ushered up stairs with all due politeness, and in two minutes sparkle was under his incomparable hands, while tom and bob amused themselves with a peep at the newspapers and the gazette of fashion.
“fine morning, gentlemen,” said the friseur.
“is there any news?” asked sparkle.
“we have the paris papers, sir, regularly, and a constant supply of drawings of the newest fashion.”
“i am more for domestic or home news,” continued sparkle.
“not aware, sir, of any thing particular—oh, yes; i recollect i was told last night, over at the haunch, that the mermaid is discovered.”
“what,” said tom, “discover a mermaid over a haunch!” laying down the paper.
“beg pardon, sir, beg pardon, a trifling mistake, sir—nothing more—i usually pass a recreative hour, after my daily studies, at the haunch of venison, over the way: the landlord is an intelligent, accommodating, and agreeable sort of man, and we have many gentlemen of considerable consequence, both literary and scientific, who meet there of an evening to pass a convivial hour—to hear and impart the news; and, sir, as i was saying, the mermaid is stated to be a fine hoax upon the credulity of john bull, being nothing more than the body or skin of a smoke-dried old woman, ingeniously connected with the tail of a fish. i don't vouch for the truth of the report, i only state what i hear, and can only assert with confidence what i am acquainted with in my own business.”
“i suspected the mermaid from the first,” answered tom, “i thought there was some deceit in it.”
“there is a great deal of deceit in the world, sir,” replied the active clipper.—“a little circassian cream, sir—acknowledged to be the best article ever produced for the preservation and restoration of hair.”
“certainly,” said sparkle.
[432] in this way our friends obtained a portion of amusement, and a corinthian clip from the intelligent and communicative mr. money, of fleet street notoriety, in return for which he touched their coin.
“now,” said dashall, “we will make the best of our way and just call, by way of taking a lunch, among the lads of newgate market. there is a house where i have been before, in which we can have some very fine home-brewed ale, &c; and besides, according to the landlord's advertisements, he has opened an academy, and gives instruction in the art of brewing. the college of physicians is just opposite, and i suppose this wag of a landlord has taken the hint, and opposed his beer to their physic—perhaps you may wish to carry his valuable receipt into the country with you?”
“i have no inclination to turn brewer,” replied sparkle, “but i must confess i like the idea of a little genuine beer—free from the poisonous ingredients of the public brewer.”
“and so do i,” continued tallyho. “come along, then,” said tom, “the bell in warwick lane is the shop, where you may be served to a shaving.” in passing along warwick lane, bob observed he thought his friend was leading him through a not very agreeable neighbourhood.
“this place is filled with slaughter-houses, and is to be sure a great nuisance to the city; yet such places are necessary, therefore bear up a few minutes, and you will have comfortable house-room and agreeable refreshment.” entering the bell, they were met by the landlord of the house, a round-faced, good-natured, real john-bull-looking man, who knowing his customer dashall, immediately ushered them into the coffee-room, where being supplied with stout and mutton-chops in high perfection, they enjoyed themselves with their regale. this done, they had an opportunity of looking about them.
in one corner sat two or three tip-top salesmen of the market, conversing on the price of meat, while they were devouring a succession of rump-steaks with most voracious and insatiable appetites. in another was a hungry author, bargaining with a bookseller of paternoster row, for the sale of a manuscript, by which he expected to realise a dinner. while near them was an undertaker and a master-builder, vociferating at each other for interference [433] with their respective trades, and so far attracting the attention of the bookseller from the work of the author, that he wished, from the bottom of his heart, “that one would build a coffin to bury the other:” while the salesmen laughed so loud at the observations of the controversialists, as almost to make them wish the subject dead without the hope of resurrection.
bob liked the stout—ordered a replenish, and asked the landlord to partake.
“with all my heart—gentlemen—good health—real malt and hops, gentlemen—nothing else—all brewed under my own eye—good ordinary at two—excellent fare—good treatment—comfortable beds—happy to see you at all times at the bell brewery.”
having proceeded on their journey they shortly found themselves near bull and mouth street.
on their way to the bull and mouth, sparkle made a proposal, which was cordially acquiesced in by dashall and his cousin, and a mutual pledge was given to carry it into effect: this was no other than an agreement to take a trip over to dublin in the course of the ensuing winter, in order to acquire some knowledge of life in ireland.
“i have lately,” said sparkle, “been almost convulsed with laughter, even to the danger of a locked-jaw, by the perusal of a work under this title. the author, nephew to a late irish chancellor, is an old acquaintance; added to which, and the genuine irresistible humour that runs throughout the work, i feel determined to visit, and have ocular demonstration of some of the places where these scenes of humour are so admirably described.”
on entering bull and mouth street—“bless me,” cried bob, “this is a very confined street for such an inn.”
“hoy,” cried a coachman, rattling along the street in double quick time.
“by your leave,” bawled a porter with a heavy chest on his back.
“we shall certainly either be knocked down, or run over,” exclaimed tallyho.
“never fear,” said tom, “do but keep your ogles in action, all's right enough, and we shall soon be safely housed out of the bustle; but before we enter the house we will just cast our eyes about us. on the right, after passing the gate, is the coach-offices for receiving, booking, [434] and delivering parcels, and taking places for passengers by the various vehicles which start from this place. on the left is the hotel and coffee-house, where every refreshment and accommodation may be obtained. the remaining part of the building, together with several others adjoining, which almost occupy the whole of this side of the street, are devoted to stables, waggon and coach-houses, and out-offices.”
page434.jpg bull and mouth inn
“it is an extensive concern then,” said tallyho, “though it stands in such an out of the way obscure situation.”
“why you are already aware that situation is not absolutely necessary to success in all cases in london,” was the reply. “the extensive circulation of a name or a sign are sometimes sufficient to obtain business;—and who has not heard of the bull and mouth, or the name of willan—from the former runs a considerable number of long stages and mail coaches, daily and nightly, the proprietor being a contractor with government; and upon one occasion it is said, he was in treaty to supply an immense quantity of horses to convey troops to the coast, on the threatened invasion by buonaparte, so that the epithet patriotic might properly be applied to him. he however is lately deceased, and supposed to have left a considerable fortune.—but come, dinner is ready—now for the parting meal, and then heaven speed ye to your destined homes.”
after partaking of a hearty dinner, and a bottle or two of generous wine—“come,” said dashall, “it is time we are alive and look out, for the yard is all in a bustle; here are lots of coaches preparing for a start, so let us get out, look around, and see what is going forward.”
upon this intimation, they sallied forth to the yard, where the confusion created by the arrival of one coach heavily laden, and the preparation of two for departure, afforded a scene for a quiet contemplatist, which however it is not easy to describe.
“coachman,” said an antiquated lady, just alighting, “i paid my fare.”
“yes ma'am, that's all fair,” said coachy.
“mind how you hand my dear little boy out of the coach, poor little fellow he is quite dizzy with riding.”
[435] “i thinks as how you had better have brought a man with you, for you want taking care of yourself,” grumbled coachy, as he handed the young one out.—“there he is ma'am—stand upon your pins, my man.”
“come charley—oh coachy you have got my box in your boot.”
“aye, aye, ma'am, i know it, i wish my boot was in your box—here it is ma'am.”
“stand bye,” said a jack tar, “let's have a little sea room, and no squalls.”
“coachy, what a rude fellow that is, he says i squalls.”
“never mind him, ma'am, he is as rough as the element he belongs to—thank ye ma'am—that's the time o' day,” pocketing a half-crown which she had just given him.
“here bill, take this lady's luggage out of the way.”
“just going off, sir—do you go by me?”
“yes,” replied sparkle, “how many have you inside?”
“only four, sir, and you two make up the number—all ready—jem, bear up the leaders.”
at this moment a hackney coach stopped at the gate, and out jumps a gentleman who immediately entered into conversation with the coachman.
“can't do it, sir,” said coachy,—“all full—i might manage to give you an outside passage to be sure.”
“well, well, i will make that do, perhaps you can afford an inside birth part of the journey.”
“i'll see what i can do, but can't promise—now gentlemen.”
“here coachman,” said the person desirous of obtaining a passage, tipping coachy some money.
“aye, aye, that's the way to look at the matter.”
by this time tom discovered it was no other than van butchell,{1} whom he observed to bob, there was little doubt had been summoned on some desperate case, and must go at all events.
1 it is fortunate for the rising generation, that the late
martin van butchell, not more celebrated for his
eccentricities than bis utility, has not departed from the
world without leaving an able successor to his practice.
edwin martin van butchell is now almost as well known as his
late father. such indeed is the estimation of his abilities,
that a large society of journeymen tailors have entered into
a weekly subscription among themselves, in order that their
afflicted brethren may have the benefit of his practical
knowledge and abilities.
“now, gentlemen, you brush in and i will brush on. shut the door dick, all right—ya—hip.”
“adieu, dear tom,” exclaimed bob.
[436] “zounds,” exclaimed tom, “the coachman will hardly allow him to say good bye—well, the dearest friends must part, so good bye, heaven protect you both.”
by this time the vehicle was out of the yard.
“i don't like it,” continued tom, soliloquizing with himself; “but, however, as i have bid them adieu for the present, the best thing i can do is to arrange laconic's affairs, and then bid adieu to life in london.”
