the writing of my advertisement cost me a great deal of trouble. at first i thought of stating that i desired a respectable and intelligent person, who would devote a few hours each day to the services of a literary man; but on reflection i saw that this would bring me a vast number of answers from persons who were willing to act as secretaries, proof-readers, or anything of the sort, and i should have no means of finding out from their letters whether they were good listeners or not.
therefore i determined to be very straightforward and definite, and to state plainly what it was i wanted. the following is the advertisement which i caused to be inserted in several of the city papers:—
"wanted.—a respectable and intelligent person, willing to devote several hours a day to listening to the recitals of a traveler. address, stating compensation expected, oral."
i mentioned my purpose to no one, not even to my grandmother, for i should merely make myself the object of the ridicule of my friends, and my dear relative's soul would be filled with grief that she had not been considered competent to do for me so slight a service. if i succeeded in obtaining a listener, he could come to me in my library, where no one would know he was not a stenographer to whom i was dictating literary matter, or a teacher of languages who came to instruct me in arabic.
i received a dozen or more answers to my advertisement, some of which were very amusing, and others very unsatisfactory. not one of the writers understood what sort of services i desired, but all expressed their belief that they were fully competent to give them, whatever they might be.
after a good deal of correspondence and some interviewing, i selected at last a person who i believed would prove himself a satisfactory listener. he was an elderly man, of genteel appearance, and apparently of a quiet and accommodating disposition. he assured me that he had once been a merchant, engaged in the importation of gunny-bags, and, having failed in business, had since depended on the occasional assistance given him by a widowed daughter-in-law. this man i engaged, and arranged that he should lodge at the village inn, and come to me every evening.
i was truly delighted that so far i had succeeded in my plan. now, instead of depending upon the whims, fancies, or occasional good-natured compliance of any one, i was master of the situation. my listener was paid to listen to me, and listen to me he must. if he did not do so intelligently, he should be dismissed. it would be difficult to express fully the delight given me by my new possession,—the ownership of attention.
every evening my listener came; and during a great part of every day i thought of what i should say to him when he should come. i talked to him with a feeling of freedom and absolute independence which thrilled me like champagne. what mattered it whether my speech interested him or not? he was paid to listen, without regard to interest; more than that, he was paid to show an interest, whether he felt it or not. whether i bored him or delighted him, it made no difference; in fact, it would be a pleasure to me occasionally to feel that i did bore him. to have the full opportunity and the perfect right to bore a fellow-being is a privilege not lightly to be prized, and an added zest is given to the enjoyment of the borer by the knowledge that the bored one is bound to make it appear that he is not bored.
in an easy-chair opposite to me my listener sat and listened for two hours every evening. i interested myself by watching and attempting to analyze the expressions on his face, but what these appeared to indicate made no difference in my remarks. i do not think he liked repetitions, but if i chose to tell a thing several times, i did so. he had no right to tell me that he had heard that before. immunity from this remark was to me a rare enjoyment.
i made it a point to talk as well as i could, for i like to hear myself talk well, but i paid no attention to the likings of my listener. later i should probably do this, but at present it was a joy to trample upon the likings of others. my own likings in this respect had been so often trampled upon that i would not now deny myself the exercise of the right—bought and paid for—to take this sweet revenge.
on the evenings of nine week-days and one sunday, when i confined myself entirely to a description of a short visit to palestine, i talked and my listener listened. about the middle of the evening of the tenth week-day, when i was engaged in the expression of some fancies evoked by the recollection of a stroll through the egyptian department of the louvre, i looked at my listener, and beheld him asleep.
as i stopped speaking he awoke with a start, and attempted to excuse himself by stating that he had omitted to take coffee with his evening meal. i made no answer, but, opening my pocket-book, paid and discharged him.
