a saturday afternoon, evening, and night, the whole of a sunday and its night, with some hours of a monday morning, intervened between the moment at which i had acknowledged to myself my feelings toward my secretary and the moment at which i might expect to see her again, and nearly the whole of this time was occupied by me in endeavoring to determine what should be my next step. to stand still in my present position was absolutely impossible: i must go forward or backward. to go backward was a simple thing enough; it was like turning round and jumping down a precipice; it made me shudder. to go forward was like climbing a precipice with beetling crags and perpendicular walls of ice.
the first of these alternatives did not require any consideration whatever. to the second i gave all the earnest consideration of which i was capable, but i saw no way of getting up. the heights were inaccessible.
in very truth, my case was a hard one. i could not make love to a woman through a grating; and if i could, i would not be dishonorable enough to do it, when that woman was locked up in a room, and could not get away in case she did not wish to listen to my protestations. but between the girl i loved and myself there was a grating compared with which the barrier in the doorway of my study was as a spider's web. this was the network of solemn bars which surrounded the sisters of the house of martha,—the vows they had made never to think of love, to read of it or speak of it.
to drop metaphors, it would be impossible for me to continue to work with her and conceal my love for her; it would be stupidly useless, and moreover cowardly, to declare that love; and it would be sensible, praiseworthy, and in every way advantageous for me to cease my literary labors and go immediately to the adirondacks or to mount desert. but would i go away on saturday or sunday when she was coming on monday? not i.
she came on monday, surrounded by a gray halo, which had begun to grow as beautiful to my vision as the delicate tints of early dawn. when she began to read what she had last written, i seated myself in a chair by the grating. when she had finished, i sat silent for a minute, got up and walked about, came back, sat down, and was silent again. in my whole mind there did not seem to be one crevice into which an available thought concerning my travels could squeeze itself. she sat quietly looking out of the window at the apple-tree. presently she said:—
"i suppose you find it hard to begin work on monday morning, after having rested so long. it must be difficult to get yourself again into the proper frame of mind."
"on this monday morning," i answered, "i find it very hard indeed."
she turned, and for the first time that day fixed her eyes upon me. she did not look well; she was pale.
"i had hoped," she said, with a little smile without any brightness in it, "that you would finish the story of tomaso and lucilla; but i don't believe you feel like composing, so how would you like me to read this morning?"
"nothing could suit me better," i answered; and in my heart i thought that here was an angelic gift, a relief and a joy.
"i will begin," she said, "at the point where i left off reading." she took up a portion of the manuscript, she brought her chair within a yard of the grating, she sat down with her face toward me, and she read. sometimes she stopped and spoke of what she was reading, now to ask a question, and now to tell something she had seen in the place i described. i said but little. i did not wish to occupy any of that lovely morning with my words,—words which were bound to mean nothing. as she read and talked, some color came into her face; she looked more like herself. what a shame to shut up such a woman in a house where she never had anything interesting to talk about, never anybody interested to talk to!
after the reading of half a dozen pages during which she had not interrupted herself, she laid the manuscript in her lap, and asked me the time. i told her it wanted twenty minutes of twelve. she made no answer, but rose, put the manuscript in the drawer, and then returned with a little note which she had taken from her pocket.
"mother anastasia desired me to give you this," she said, folding it so that she could push it through one of the interstices of the grating; "she told me to hand it to you as i was coming away, but i don't think she would object to your reading it a little before that."
i took the note, unfolded it, and read it. mother anastasia wrote an excellent hand. she informed me that it had been decided that the sister of the house of martha who had been acting as my amanuensis should not continue in that position, but should now devote herself to another class of work. if, however, i desired it, another sister would take her place.
i stood unable to speak. i must have been as pale as the white paint on the door-frame near which i stood.
"you see," said sylvia, and from the expression upon her face i think she must have perceived that i did not like what i had read, "this is the work of sister sarah. i might as well tell you that at once, and i am sure there is no harm in my doing so. she has always objected to my writing for you; and although the morning she spent with you would have satisfied any reasonable person that there could be no possible objection to my doing it, she has not ceased to insist that i shall give it up, and go to the measles refuge. that, however, i will not do, but i cannot come here any more. mother anastasia and i are both sure that if i am not withdrawn from this work she will make no end of trouble. she has consented that i should go on until now simply because this day ends my month."
i was filled with amazement, grief, and rage.
"the horrible wretch!" i exclaimed. "what malignant wickedness!"
"oh," said sylvia, holding up one finger, "you mustn't talk like that about the sister. she may think she is right, but i don't see how she can; and perhaps she would have some reason on her side if she could see me standing here talking about her, instead of attending to my work. but i determined that i would not go away without saying a word. you have always been very courteous to us, and i don't see why we should not be courteous to you."
"are you sorry to go?" i asked, getting as close to the grating as i could. "if they would let you, would you go on writing for me?"
"i should be glad to go on with the work," she said; "it is just what i like."
"too bad, too bad!" i cried. "cannot it be prevented? cannot i see somebody? you do not know how much i—how exactly you"—
"excuse me," said sylvia, "for interrupting you, but what time is it?"
i glanced at the clock. "it wants four minutes of twelve," i gasped.
"then i must bid you good-by," she said.
"good-by?" i repeated. "how can you bid me good-by? confound this grating! isn't that door open?"
"no," she replied, "it's locked. do you want to shake hands with me?"
"of course i do!" i cried. "good-by like this! it cannot be."
"i think," she said quickly, "that if you could get out of your window, you might come to mine and shake hands."
what a scintillating inspiration! what a girl! i had not thought of it! in a moment i had bounded out of my window, and was standing under hers, which was not four feet from the ground. there she was, with her beautiful white hand already extended. i seized it in both of mine.
"oh, sylvia," i said, "i cannot have you go in this way. i want to tell you—i want to tell you how"—
"you are very good," she interrupted, endeavoring slightly to withdraw her hand, "and when the story of tomaso and lucilla is finished and printed i am going to read it, rules or no rules."
"it shall never be finished," i exclaimed vehemently, "if you do not write it," and, lifting her hand, i really believe i was about to kiss it, when with a quick movement she drew it from me.
"she is coming," she said; "good-by! good-by!" and with a wave of her hand she was gone from the window.
i did not return to my study. i stood by the side of the house, with my fists clenched and my eyes set. then, suddenly, i ran to the garden wall; looking over it, i saw, far down the shaded village street, two gray figures walking away.
