nigel left her at the door of her hotel and did not see her again for two days. little did he guess the reason. he carried away to his club (both resentfully and sadly) the picture of a new julia, all intellect, poise, and mystery; a julia from whom the impulsiveness, ingenuousness, and young enthusiasm had gone forever, left in that unfathomable east which gives knowledge and takes personality; a cold brilliant creature, with developed genius, no doubt, but with nothing left to beg unto a man’s heart and senses. and this, indeed, was one side of julia, and the only one she purposed the world should see; because in time it was to be her whole self, and she a happy mortal.
when she shut the door of her sitting-room in the gloomy exclusive hotel in one of the quiet streets near piccadilly, to which she had telegraphed for rooms, she subsided into the easiest chair and cried for half an hour; nor did she ascend from the slough of her despondency for the rest of the day. for the past four years she had lived virtually out of doors. as her angry frightened eyes looked back they recalled nothing but floods of golden light, an endless procession of orientals, gleaming bronze or copper, turbanned, hooded, dressed in flowing robes of white or every primal hue; streets, crooked, latticed, balconied, sun-baked; gorgeous bazaars; life, color, beauty, romance (to western eyes) everywhere. she was come to a london wrapped in its old familiar drizzle; huddled over the small grate, its cold penetrated her marrow; in the narrow street, dull, grimy, flat, there was rarely a sound. as she had entered the ugly entrance hall below she had been met by two solemn footmen, one of whom had conducted her slowly up three flights of stairs (there was no lift in this exclusive hostelry); another followed an hour later with her luncheon of good food cooked abominably. the butler stood in front of her like a statue and pretended not to observe her swollen eyes.
if she had been wise, she would have gone to the carlton or the ritz, where at least she could have descended at intervals into a very good similitude of luxury and magnificence, been able to fancy herself in the midst of “life”; she would have dined with brilliantly dressed and animated people, and, incidentally, been cheered by french cooking. but, like many others, she favored the small hotel where one was almost obliged to bring a letter of introduction, where one was supposed to be “at home” with personal servants; and where, indeed, one was as deeply immersed in privacy and silence as if quite at home in north hampstead. julia, who had been consoled for the loss of the dainty dishes of the east by the kaleidoscopic pleasures of the continent, choked over her shoulder of mutton, large-leaved greens, and hard round peas unseasoned, boiled potatoes, and pudding, wept once more after the remains and the butler had vanished, cursed women, and half determined to take the night train for egypt and syria.
she had not wanted to “be met,” shrinking from too prompt a reminder of the past. now she wished that everybody she had ever known had crowded the platform at victoria, and “rushed her about,” until she felt at home once more in this huge and dismal and overpowering mass of london. and as ill-luck would have it even her two best friends would be denied her for days, possibly for weeks. ishbel was in paris. bridgit was in cannes recovering from severe physical injuries incurred in the cause of woman. at one of the great liberal meetings in the north, during the general election, she had risen and demanded that the new government declare its intentions regarding the enfranchisement of women. she had been pulled down, one man had held his hat before her face, and when she struggled to her feet again, protesting that she had the same right to interrupt the speaker with questions as any of the men that had gone unreproved, she had been dragged out by six stewards and plain-clothes detectives, with as much vigor as if she had been the six men and they the one dauntless female. they had mauled her, twisted her, pummelled her, and finally flung her with violence to the pavement. she had gathered herself up, although suffering from a broken rib, attempted to address the crowd in the streets, been arrested and swept off to the town hall. she had given a false name that she might be shown no favor, and the next morning, refusing to pay her fine, was sent to gaol for seven days. she had lain in a cold cell for nearly twenty-four hours unattended, in solitary confinement, and on a small allowance of food which she could not have eaten if well. at the gaol she asked to be sent to the hospital, but before her request was granted, a member of the new government ascertained her name, and, horrified at the possible consequences to himself, paid her fine summarily, and sent her to a nursing home. here she had lain until her broken rib had mended, and was now in the south of france assuaging a severe attack of intercostal neuralgia.
this story, told by nigel, had filled julia with an intense wrath, and struck the first real spark of enthusiasm in her for the cause of woman, but it burned low in these dull hours of loneliness and nostalgia, and she wished that her magnificent friend had remained as in the early days of their acquaintance, whole in bone and skin, and untroubled of mind.
but if julia was acting much as the average woman acts during her first hours alone in an immense and inhospitable city, which the sun refuses to shine upon, a city that knows not of her existence and cares less, she was furious with herself, even before she recovered. where was the poise, the serenity, the grand impersonal attitude, she had learned from her subtle masters in the east? where the full calm determination with which she had returned to take up her self-elected duties, to gratify a long latent but now full-grown ambition to build a unique pedestal for herself in the world; in other words, to achieve fame and power? out there it had been both easy and natural to plan, to dream, to vision herself at the head of womankind, burning with the enthusiasm of the artist, even if the cause itself left her cold. she had believed herself made over to that extent, at least; and now she dared not see nigel herbert lest she marry him off-hand, and insure herself a life companion and the common happiness of woman.
she denied him admittance, even refusing to go down to the telephone (such were the primitive arrangements of this exclusive hostelry), and vowed that once more, peradventure for the last time, she would wrestle with her peculiar problem and inspect her new armor at every joint.
for julia, even during her first year in india, had learned lessons untaught by eastern philosophers. she had no difficulty in recalling the moment when that green shoot had wriggled its head out of what she called the morass in the depths of her nature. she had been floating one moonlight night in a boat propelled by a turbanned silhouette, on a small lake surrounded by a park as dense as a jungle. from the head of the lake rose a marble palace of many towers and balconies, whose white steps were in the green waters. just overhead was poised the full moon,—a crystal lantern lit with a white flame. a nightingale was pouring forth its love song. warm, delicious odors were wafted across the lake from the gardens about the palace.
julia, whose soul had been steeped in all this beauty, her senses swimming with pleasure, suddenly, with no apparent volition, sat upright and gasped with resentment. why was she alone on such a night? why, in heaven’s name, was not a man with her,—the most charming man the world held, of course (there never was anything moderate in julia’s demands upon life)? why was not this perfect mate, his own soul steeped, his senses swimming, even as were her own, sitting beside her, looking at her with eyes that proclaimed them as one and divinely happy? it was the night and the place for the very fullness of love, and she was alone. how incongruous! how inartistic! what a waste! women have been known to feel like this in venice. how much more so julia, in the untravelled undesecrated depths of india, at night, with the moon and the nightingale and the heavy warm scents of oriental trees, and shrubs, and flowers!
when julia realized where her unleashed imagination had soared, she frowned, deliberately laughed, and opened her inner ear that she might enjoy the crash to earth. but she sat up all that night. from her room in the guest bungalow (her friends had provided her with many letters), she could look upon the white palace, gleaming like sculptured ivory against the black eastern night, hear the waters lapping the marble steps. strange sounds came out of the quarters devoted to the superfluous wives and their female offspring: passionate melancholy singing, sharp infuriated cries, monotonous string music, infinitely hopeless.
and she was free, free as the nightingale, free to love; young, beautiful, with the world at her feet. what a fool she was!
although she had now been in india for nearly a year, this was the first time the sex within her had stirred, and she had been one with scenes lovelier than this, revelled from first to last in all the beauty and variety and mystery and color which she had craved so long in england. in spite of dirt and stench, of entomological bedfellows, bullock carts, and lack of every luxury in which the british soul delights, she was too young and too philosophical to have permitted the worst of these to interfere with her complete satisfaction. and it had, this wondrous east, absorbed and satisfied her until to-night. she had asked for nothing more. and now she wanted a lover.
looking back upon her life with france, she discovered that she had practically forgiven him the moment she had been assured of his insanity. no doubt he had been irresponsible from the first. this admission had subconsciously wiped out his offences, and with them the memory of that whole odious experience. she still blamed her mother, but she had pitied france when she thought of him at all. the heavy noxious growth in her soul had withered and disappeared, the dark waters turned clear and sparkling. she was ready for love, for the rights and the glory of youth.
kneeling there, gazing out at the enchanted palace, watching the moon sail over the misty tree-tops to disappear into the dark embrace of the himalayas, her annoyance passed, she exulted in this new development, these vast and turbulent demands. she would find love and find it soon.
with julia to think was to do. the next day she set out on her quest. to love any of these indian princes was out of the question, even though she might live in marble palaces for the rest of her life. there was nothing for it but to go to calcutta and present her letters to the viceroy and notable british residents. she found calcutta the most ill-smelling city on earth, but its society was brilliant and industrious, and she met more charming men than in all her years in england. for some obscure reason englishmen always are more charming, natural, and even original in the colonies and dependencies than on their own misty isle. perhaps they are more adaptable than they think, more susceptible to “atmosphere” than would seem possible, bred as they are into formalities and mannerisms of a thousand years of tradition, too hide-bound for mere human nature to combat unassisted.
moreover, in india they wear helmets, which are vastly becoming, and white linen or khaki, which wars with stolidity. julia met them by the dozen and liked them all. she danced six nights out of seven, flirted in marble palaces whose steps were in the ganges, on marble terraces vocal and scented. she had never been so beautiful before, she was quite happy, she was indisputably the belle of the winter, she had several proposals under the most romantic conditions (carefully arranged by herself), and she was wholly unable to fall in love.
at the end of the season she understood, and was aghast. she demanded the wholly impossible in man, a man that never will emerge from woman’s imagination and come to life; a man without common weaknesses, who was never absurd, who was a miracle of tenderness, passion, strength, humor, justice, high-mindedness, magnetism, intellect, cleverness, wit, sincerity, mystery, fidelity, provocation, responsiveness, reserve; who was gay, serious, sympathetic, vital, stimulating, always able to thrill, and never to bore; a being of light with no clay about him, who wooed like a god, and never looked funny when his feelings overcame him, and never perspired, even in india.
in short, julia packed her trunks and went to benares to study hindu philosophy.
but although she was not long finding her balance (in which humor played as distinguished a part as her learned masters), she never wholly ceased to be haunted by the vision of the perfect lover and the complete happiness he must bestow upon a woman as yet not all intellect. there were times when she sat up in bed at night exclaiming aloud in tones of indignation and surprise, “where is my husband? mine? he must exist on this immense earth. where is he?”
she knew that other women of humor and intellect, ishbel, for instance, had ended by accepting the best that life purposed to offer them, and been quite happy, or happy enough. but she dared make no such experiment with herself. genius of some sort she had, and she guessed that geniuses had best be content with dreams and make no experiments with mere mortal men. she knew that if she exiled herself to america, or the continent of europe, with the most satisfactory man she had met in calcutta, or even with nigel herbert, she ran the risk of hating him and herself before the honeymoon was out. nevertheless, the woman in her laughed at intellect and went on demanding and dreaming.
but all this did not affect her will nor hinder her mental progress. while automatically hoping, she was hopeless, and bent all her energies toward accomplishing that ideal of perfection she had vaguely outlined the night at white lodge when once more settling the fate of nigel. here in benares, sitting at the feet of men that appeared to live in their marvellous intellects, and to be quite purged of earthly dross, it seemed simple enough to her strong will and brain. of mysteries she was permitted more than one glimpse. she felt herself drawing from unseen, unfathomable sources a vital fluid which she chose to believe would in time restore in her that perfect balance of sex qualities, that unity in the ego, which had been the birthright of the man-woman who rose first out of the chaos of the universe, who was happy until clove in half and sent forth to wage the eternal war of sex, even while striving blindly for completion. she learned that in former solar systems, whose record is open only to those so profoundly versed in occult lore that their disembodied selves read at will the invisible tablets, that chosen women had attained this state of perfection, of absolute knowledge, of original sex, and with it immortality. immortal women. wonderful and haunting phrase! at certain periods of even earth’s history, they had reappeared in human form to accomplish their great and individual work. but their number so far had been few, and they were easily called to mind, these great women that stood out in history; indispensable, mysteriously powerful; disappearing when their work was done, and leaving none of their kind behind them.
julia’s favorite teacher, an old sufi mohammedan named hadji sadr?, told her that the world, the western world particularly, was ripe for them again, that now their numbers would be many, for modern conditions made their general supremacy possible for the first time in earth’s history. there was no movement in the east or west that this old philosopher was not cognizant of, no tendency, no deep persistent stifled mutter; and although he had all the contempt of the ancient oriental brain for the crude attempts of the occident to think for itself, he had a growing respect for western women, and told julia that all conditions, both in the heavens and on the earth pointed to the coming reign of woman; led in the first place by those reincarnated immortal souls of whom he was convinced she was one, possibly the greatest. so he interpreted her horoscope, laughing at the narrow wisdom of the western mind which could see naught but a ridiculous position in the peerage of europe; the starry hieroglyphics plainly indicated that she was to rule her sex and lead it to victory.
all this was highly gratifying to julia (to whom would it not be?), and feeling herself destined to greatness, found its spiritual part simpler of achievement than if the suggesting had been lacking. in this ideal of perfection there was no question of eliminating human nature, with its minor entrancing elements, its sympathy, tenderness, its power to love; merely the complete control of a highly trained mind over the baser desires, the contemptible faults, the foolish ambitions and temptations, which keep the average mind in a state of bondage, restless, vaguely aspiring, always dipping, and never happy. nevertheless, love could be but an incident. the highest ideal was to stand alone. the greatest attributes of the masculine and female mind united in one mortal brain, the ability to obliterate the world at will and live in the contemplation of knowledge, the irresistible power which comes of absolute mastery of self and of living in self alone,—unity in the ego, independence of mortal conditions—here was the perfect ideal which julia was bidden to attain, which few but orientals have even formulated.
on this high flight had julia been sustained during the following years. but, sitting in her gloomy, chill and tasteless london sitting-room, she looked back upon it as a fool’s paradise, and felt merely a dismal traveller in a strange city; but recalling a threat of hadji sadr?, dared not send for the man she still liked best in the world.
