bettina is supposed to go mad — father mancia — the small-pox — i leave padua
bettina must have been in despair, not knowing into whose hands her letter had fallen; to return it to her and thus to allay her anxiety, was therefore a great proof of friendship; but my generosity, at the same time that it freed her from a keen sorrow, must have caused her another quite as dreadful, for she knew that i was master of her secret. cordiani’s letter was perfectly explicit; it gave the strongest evidence that she was in the habit of receiving him every night, and therefore the story she had prepared to deceive me was useless. i felt it was so, and, being disposed to calm her anxiety as far as i could, i went to her bedside in the morning, and i placed in her hands cordiani’s note and my answer to her letter.
the girl’s spirit and talent had won my esteem; i could no longer despise her; i saw in her only a poor creature seduced by her natural temperament. she loved man, and was to be pitied only on account of the consequences. believing that the view i took of the situation was a right one, i had resigned myself like a reasonable being, and not like a disappointed lover. the shame was for her and not for me. i had only one wish, namely, to find out whether the two brothers feltrini, cordiani’s companions, had likewise shared bettina’s favours.
bettina put on throughout the day a cheerful and happy look. in the evening she dressed herself for the ball; but suddenly an attack of sickness, whether feigned or real i did not know, compelled her to go to bed, and frightened everybody in the house. as for myself, knowing the whole affair, i was prepared for new scenes, and indeed for sad ones, for i felt that i had obtained over her a power repugnant to her vanity and self-love. i must, however, confess that, in spite of the excellent school in which i found myself before i had attained manhood, and which ought to have given me experience as a shield for the future, i have through the whole of my life been the dupe of women. twelve years ago, if it had not been for my guardian angel, i would have foolishly married a young, thoughtless girl, with whom i had fallen in love: now that i am seventy-two years old i believe myself no longer susceptible of such follies; but, alas! that is the very thing which causes me to be miserable.
the next day the whole family was deeply grieved because the devil of whom bettina was possessed had made himself master of her reason. doctor gozzi told me that there could not be the shadow of a doubt that his unfortunate sister was possessed, as, if she had only been mad, she never would have so cruelly ill-treated the capuchin, prospero, and he determined to place her under the care of father mancia.
this mancia was a celebrated jacobin (or dominican) exorcist, who enjoyed the reputation of never having failed to cure a girl possessed of the demon.
sunday had come; bettina had made a good dinner, but she had been frantic all through the day. towards midnight her father came home, singing tasso as usual, and so drunk that he could not stand. he went up to bettina’s bed, and after kissing her affectionately he said to her: “thou art not mad, my girl.”
her answer was that he was not drunk.
“thou art possessed of the devil, my dear child.”
“yes, father, and you alone can cure me.”
“well, i am ready.”
upon this our shoemaker begins a theological discourse, expatiating upon the power of faith and upon the virtue of the paternal blessing. he throws off his cloak, takes a crucifix with one hand, places the other over the head of his daughter, and addresses the devil in such an amusing way that even his wife, always a stupid, dull, cross- grained old woman, had to laugh till the tears came down her cheeks. the two performers in the comedy alone were not laughing, and their serious countenance added to the fun of the performance. i marvelled at bettina (who was always ready to enjoy a good laugh) having sufficient control over herself to remain calm and grave. doctor gozzi had also given way to merriment; but begged that the farce should come to an end, for he deemed that his father’s eccentricities were as many profanations against the sacredness of exorcism. at last the exorcist, doubtless tired out, went to bed saying that he was certain that the devil would not disturb his daughter during the night.
on the morrow, just as we had finished our breakfast, father mancia made his appearance. doctor gozzi, followed by the whole family, escorted him to his sister’s bedside. as for me, i was entirely taken up by the face of the monk. here is his portrait. his figure was tall and majestic, his age about thirty; he had light hair and blue eyes; his features were those of apollo, but without his pride and assuming haughtiness; his complexion, dazzling white, was pale, but that paleness seemed to have been given for the very purpose of showing off the red coral of his lips, through which could be seen, when they opened, two rows of pearls. he was neither thin nor stout, and the habitual sadness of his countenance enhanced its sweetness. his gait was slow, his air timid, an indication of the great modesty of his mind.
when we entered the room bettina was asleep, or pretended to be so. father mancia took a sprinkler and threw over her a few drops of holy water; she opened her eyes, looked at the monk, and closed them immediately; a little while after she opened them again, had a better look at him, laid herself on her back, let her arms droop down gently, and with her head prettily bent on one side she fell into the sweetest of slumbers.
the exorcist, standing by the bed, took out his pocket ritual and the stole which he put round his neck, then a reliquary, which he placed on the bosom of the sleeping girl, and with the air of a saint he begged all of us to fall on our knees and to pray, so that god should let him know whether the patient was possessed or only labouring under a natural disease. he kept us kneeling for half an hour, reading all the time in a low tone of voice. bettina did not stir.
tired, i suppose, of the performance, he desired to speak privately with doctor gozzi. they passed into the next room, out of which they emerged after a quarter of an hour, brought back by a loud peal of laughter from the mad girl, who, when she saw them, turned her back on them. father mancia smiled, dipped the sprinkler over and over in the holy water, gave us all a generous shower, and took his leave.
doctor gozzi told us that the exorcist would come again on the morrow, and that he had promised to deliver bettina within three hours if she were truly possessed of the demon, but that he made no promise if it should turn out to be a case of madness. the mother exclaimed that he would surely deliver her, and she poured out her thanks to god for having allowed her the grace of beholding a saint before her death.
the following day bettina was in a fine frenzy. she began to utter the most extravagant speeches that a poet could imagine, and did not stop when the charming exorcist came into her room; he seemed to enjoy her foolish talk for a few minutes, after which, having armed himself ‘cap-a-pie’, he begged us to withdraw. his order was obeyed instantly; we left the chamber, and the door remained open. but what did it matter? who would have been bold enough to go in?
during three long hours we heard nothing; the stillness was unbroken. at noon the monk called us in. bettina was there sad and very quiet while the exorcist packed up his things. he took his departure, saying he had very good hopes of the case, and requesting that the doctor would send him news of the patient. bettina partook of dinner in her bed, got up for supper, and the next day behaved herself rationally; but the following circumstance strengthened my opinion that she had been neither insane nor possessed.
it was two days before the purification of the holy virgin. doctor gozzi was in the habit of giving us the sacrament in his own church, but he always sent us for our confession to the church of saint- augustin, in which the jacobins of padua officiated. at the supper table, he told us to prepare ourselves for the next day, and his mother, addressing us, said: “you ought, all of you, to confess to father mancia, so as to obtain absolution from that holy man. i intend to go to him myself.” cordiani and the two feltrini agreed to the proposal; i remained silent, but as the idea was unpleasant to me, i concealed the feeling, with a full determination to prevent the execution of the project.
i had entire confidence in the secrecy of confession, and i was incapable of making a false one, but knowing that i had a right to choose my confessor, i most certainly never would have been so simple as to confess to father mancia what had taken place between me and a girl, because he would have easily guessed that the girl could be no other but bettina. besides, i was satisfied that cordiani would confess everything to the monk, and i was deeply sorry.
early the next morning, bettina brought me a band for my neck, and gave me the following letter: “spurn me, but respect my honour and the shadow of peace to which i aspire. no one from this house must confess to father mancia; you alone can prevent the execution of that project, and i need not suggest the way to succeed. it will prove whether you have some friendship for me.”
i could not express the pity i felt for the poor girl, as i read that note. in spite of that feeling, this is what i answered: “i can well understand that, notwithstanding the inviolability of confession, your mother’s proposal should cause you great anxiety; but i cannot see why, in order to prevent its execution, you should depend upon me rather than upon cordiani who has expressed his acceptance of it. all i can promise you is that i will not be one of those who may go to father mancia; but i have no influence over your lover; you alone can speak to him.”
she replied: “i have never addressed a word to cordiani since the fatal night which has sealed my misery, and i never will speak to him again, even if i could by so doing recover my lost happiness. to you alone i wish to be indebted for my life and for my honour.”
this girl appeared to me more wonderful than all the heroines of whom i had read in novels. it seemed to me that she was making sport of me with the most barefaced effrontery. i thought she was trying to fetter me again with her chains; and although i had no inclination for them, i made up my mind to render her the service she claimed at my hands, and which she believed i alone could compass. she felt certain of her success, but in what school had she obtained her experience of the human heart? was it in reading novels? most likely the reading of a certain class of novels causes the ruin of a great many young girls, but i am of opinion that from good romances they acquire graceful manners and a knowledge of society.
having made up my mind to shew her every kindness in my power, i took an opportunity, as we were undressing for the night, of telling doctor gozzi that, for conscientious motives, i could not confess to father mancia, and yet that i did not wish to be an exception in that matter. he kindly answered that he understood my reasons, and that he would take us all to the church of saint-antoine. i kissed his hand in token of my gratitude.
on the following day, everything having gone according to her wishes, i saw bettina sit down to the table with a face beaming with satisfaction. in the afternoon i had to go to bed in consequence of a wound in my foot; the doctor accompanied his pupils to church; and bettina being alone, availed herself of the opportunity, came to my room and sat down on my bed. i had expected her visit, and i received it with pleasure, as it heralded an explanation for which i was positively longing.
she began by expressing a hope that i would not be angry with her for seizing the first opportunity she had of some conversation with me.
“no,” i answered, “for you thus afford me an occasion of assuring you that, my feelings towards you being those of a friend only, you need not have any fear of my causing you any anxiety or displeasure. therefore bettina, you may do whatever suits you; my love is no more. you have at one blow given the death-stroke to the intense passion which was blossoming in my heart. when i reached my room, after the ill-treatment i had experienced at cordiani’s hands, i felt for you nothing but hatred; that feeling soon merged into utter contempt, but that sensation itself was in time, when my mind recovered its balance, changed for a feeling of the deepest indifference, which again has given way when i saw what power there is in your mind. i have now become your friend; i have conceived the greatest esteem for your cleverness. i have been the dupe of it, but no matter; that talent of yours does exist, it is wonderful, divine, i admire it, i love it, and the highest homage i can render to it is, in my estimation, to foster for the possessor of it the purest feelings of friendship. reciprocate that friendship, be true, sincere, and plain dealing. give up all nonsense, for you have already obtained from me all i can give you. the very thought of love is repugnant to me; i can bestow my love only where i feel certain of being the only one loved. you are at liberty to lay my foolish delicacy to the account of my youthful age, but i feel so, and i cannot help it. you have written to me that you never speak to cordiani; if i am the cause of that rupture between you, i regret it, and i think that, in the interest of your honour, you would do well to make it up with him; for the future i must be careful never to give him any grounds for umbrage or suspicion. recollect also that, if you have tempted him by the same manoeuvres which you have employed towards me, you are doubly wrong, for it may be that, if he truly loves you, you have caused him to be miserable.”
“all you have just said to me,” answered bettina, “is grounded upon false impressions and deceptive appearances. i do not love cordiani, and i never had any love for him; on the contrary, i have felt, and i do feel, for him a hatred which he has richly deserved, and i hope to convince you, in spite of every appearance which seems to convict me. as to the reproach of seduction, i entreat you to spare me such an accusation. on our side, consider that, if you had not yourself thrown temptation in my way, i never would have committed towards you an action of which i have deeply repented, for reasons which you do not know, but which you must learn from me. the fault i have been guilty of is a serious one only because i did not foresee the injury it would do me in the inexperienced mind of the ingrate who dares to reproach me with it.”
bettina was shedding tears: all she had said was not unlikely and rather complimentary to my vanity, but i had seen too much. besides, i knew the extent of her cleverness, and it was very natural to lend her a wish to deceive me; how could i help thinking that her visit to me was prompted only by her self-love being too deeply wounded to let me enjoy a victory so humiliating to herself? therefore, unshaken in my preconceived opinion, i told her that i placed implicit confidence in all she had just said respecting the state of her heart previous to the playful nonsense which had been the origin of my love for her, and that i promised never in the future to allude again to my accusation of seduction. “but,” i continued, “confess that the fire at that time burning in your bosom was only of short duration, and that the slightest breath of wind had been enough to extinguish it. your virtue, which went astray for only one instant, and which has so suddenly recovered its mastery over your senses, deserves some praise. you, with all your deep adoring love for me, became all at once blind to my sorrow, whatever care i took to make it clear to your sight. it remains for me to learn how that virtue could be so very dear to you, at the very time that cordiani took care to wreck it every night.”
bettina eyed me with the air of triumph which perfect confidence in victory gives to a person, and said: “you have just reached the point where i wished you to be. you shall now be made aware of things which i could not explain before, owing to your refusing the appointment which i then gave you for no other purpose than to tell you all the truth. cordiani declared his love for me a week after he became an inmate in our house; he begged my consent to a marriage, if his father made the demand of my hand as soon as he should have completed his studies. my answer was that i did not know him sufficiently, that i could form no idea on the subject, and i requested him not to allude to it any more. he appeared to have quietly given up the matter, but soon after, i found out that it was not the case; he begged me one day to come to his room now and then to dress his hair; i told him i had no time to spare, and he remarked that you were more fortunate. i laughed at this reproach, as everyone here knew that i had the care of you. it was a fortnight after my refusal to cordiani, that i unfortunately spent an hour with you in that loving nonsense which has naturally given you ideas until then unknown to your senses. that hour made me very happy: i loved you, and having given way to very natural desires, i revelled in my enjoyment without the slightest remorse of conscience. i was longing to be again with you the next morning, but after supper, misfortune laid for the first time its hand upon me. cordiani slipped in my hands this note and this letter which i have since hidden in a hole in the wall, with the intention of shewing them to you at the first opportunity.”
saying this, bettina handed me the note and the letter; the first ran as follows: “admit me this evening in your closet, the door of which, leading to the yard, can be left ajar, or prepare yourself to make the best of it with the doctor, to whom i intend to deliver, if you should refuse my request, the letter of which i enclose a copy.”
the letter contained the statement of a cowardly and enraged informer, and would certainly have caused the most unpleasant results. in that letter cordiani informed the doctor that his sister spent her mornings with me in criminal connection while he was saying his mass, and he pledged himself to enter into particulars which would leave him no doubt.
“after giving to the case the consideration it required,” continued bettina, “i made up my mind to hear that monster; but my determination being fixed, i put in my pocket my father’s stilletto, and holding my door ajar i waited for him there, unwilling to let him come in, as my closet is divided only by a thin partition from the room of my father, whom the slightest noise might have roused up. my first question to cordiani was in reference to the slander contained in the letter he threatened to deliver to my brother: he answered that it was no slander, for he had been a witness to everything that had taken place in the morning through a hole he had bored in the garret just above your bed, and to which he would apply his eye the moment he knew that i was in your room. he wound up by threatening to discover everything to my brother and to my mother, unless i granted him the same favours i had bestowed upon you. in my just indignation i loaded him with the most bitter insults, i called him a cowardly spy and slanderer, for he could not have seen anything but childish playfulness, and i declared to him that he need not flatter himself that any threat would compel me to give the slightest compliance to his wishes. he then begged and begged my pardon a thousand times, and went on assuring me that i must lay to my rigour the odium of the step he had taken, the only excuse for it being in the fervent love i had kindled in his heart, and which made him miserable. he acknowledged that his letter might be a slander, that he had acted treacherously, and he pledged his honour never to attempt obtaining from me by violence favours which he desired to merit only by the constancy of his love. i then thought myself to some extent compelled to say that i might love him at some future time, and to promise that i would not again come near your bed during the absence of my brother. in this way i dismissed him satisfied, without his daring to beg for so much as a kiss, but with the promise that we might now and then have some conversation in the same place. as soon as he left me i went to bed, deeply grieved that i could no longer see you in the absence of my brother, and that i was unable, for fear of consequences, to let you know the reason of my change. three weeks passed off in that position, and i cannot express what have been my sufferings, for you, of course, urged me to come, and i was always under the painful necessity of disappointing you. i even feared to find myself alone with you, for i felt certain that i could not have refrained from telling you the cause of the change in my conduct. to crown my misery, add that i found myself compelled, at least once a week, to receive the vile cordiani outside of my room, and to speak to him, in order to check his impatience with a few words. at last, unable to bear up any longer under such misery, threatened likewise by you, i determined to end my agony. i wished to disclose to you all this intrigue, leaving to you the care of bringing a change for the better, and for that purpose i proposed that you should accompany me to the ball disguised as a girl, although i knew it would enrage cordiani; but my mind was made up. you know how my scheme fell to the ground. the unexpected departure of my brother with my father suggested to both of you the same idea, and it was before receiving cordiani’s letter that i promised to come to you. cordiani did not ask for an appointment; he only stated that he would be waiting for me in my closet, and i had no opportunity of telling him that i could not allow him to come, any more than i could find time to let you know that i would be with you only after midnight, as i intended to do, for i reckoned that after an hour’s talk i would dismiss the wretch to his room. but my reckoning was wrong; cordiani had conceived a scheme, and i could not help listening to all he had to say about it. his whining and exaggerated complaints had no end. he upbraided me for refusing to further the plan he had concocted, and which he thought i would accept with rapture if i loved him. the scheme was for me to elope with him during holy week, and to run away to ferrara, where he had an uncle who would have given us a kind welcome, and would soon have brought his father to forgive him and to insure our happiness for life. the objections i made, his answers, the details to be entered into, the explanations and the ways and means to be examined to obviate the difficulties of the project, took up the whole night. my heart was bleeding as i thought of you; but my conscience is at rest, and i did nothing that could render me unworthy of your esteem. you cannot refuse it to me, unless you believe that the confession i have just made is untrue; but you would be both mistaken and unjust. had i made up my mind to sacrifice myself and to grant favours which love alone ought to obtain, i might have got rid of the treacherous wretch within one hour, but death seemed preferable to such a dreadful expedient. could i in any way suppose that you were outside of my door, exposed to the wind and to the snow? both of us were deserving of pity, but my misery was still greater than yours. all these fearful circumstances were written in the book of fate, to make me lose my reason, which now returns only at intervals, and i am in constant dread of a fresh attack of those awful convulsions. they say i am bewitched, and possessed of the demon; i do not know anything about it, but if it should be true i am the most miserable creature in existence.” bettina ceased speaking, and burst into a violent storm of tears, sobs, and groans. i was deeply moved, although i felt that all she had said might be true, and yet was scarcely worthy of belief:
‘forse era ver, ma non pero credibile
a chi del senso suo fosse signor.’
but she was weeping, and her tears, which at all events were not deceptive, took away from me the faculty of doubt. yet i put her tears to the account of her wounded self-love; to give way entirely i needed a thorough conviction, and to obtain it evidence was necessary, probability was not enough. i could not admit either cordiani’s moderation or bettina’s patience, or the fact of seven hours employed in innocent conversation. in spite of all these considerations, i felt a sort of pleasure in accepting for ready cash all the counterfeit coins that she had spread out before me.
after drying her tears, bettina fixed her beautiful eyes upon mine, thinking that she could discern in them evident signs of her victory; but i surprised her much by alluding to one point which, with all her cunning, she had neglected to mention in her defence. rhetoric makes use of nature’s secrets in the same way as painters who try to imitate it: their most beautiful work is false. this young girl, whose mind had not been refined by study, aimed at being considered innocent and artless, and she did her best to succeed, but i had seen too good a specimen of her cleverness.
“well, my dear bettina,” i said, “your story has affected me; but how do you think i am going to accept your convulsions as natural, and to believe in the demoniac symptoms which came on so seasonably during the exorcisms, although you very properly expressed your doubts on the matter?”
hearing this, bettina stared at me, remaining silent for a few minutes, then casting her eyes down she gave way to fresh tears, exclaiming now and then: “poor me! oh, poor me!” this situation, however, becoming most painful to me, i asked what i could do for her. she answered in a sad tone that if my heart did not suggest to me what to do, she did not herself see what she could demand of me.
“i thought,” said she, “that i would reconquer my lost influence over your heart, but, i see it too plainly, you no longer feel an interest in me. go on treating me harshly; go on taking for mere fictions sufferings which are but too real, which you have caused, and which you will now increase. some day, but too late, you will be sorry, and your repentance will be bitter indeed.”
as she pronounced these words she rose to take her leave; but judging her capable of anything i felt afraid, and i detained her to say that the only way to regain my affection was to remain one month without convulsions and without handsome father mancia’s presence being required.
“i cannot help being convulsed,” she answered, “but what do you mean by applying to the jacobin that epithet of handsome? could you suppose —?”
“not at all, not at all — i suppose nothing; to do so would be necessary for me to be jealous. but i cannot help saying that the preference given by your devils to the exorcism of that handsome monk over the incantations of the ugly capuchin is likely to give birth to remarks rather detrimental to your honour. moreover, you are free to do whatever pleases you.”
thereupon she left my room, and a few minutes later everybody came home.
after supper the servant, without any question on my part, informed me that bettina had gone to bed with violent feverish chills, having previously had her bed carried into the kitchen beside her mother’s. this attack of fever might be real, but i had my doubts. i felt certain that she would never make up her mind to be well, for her good health would have supplied me with too strong an argument against her pretended innocence, even in the case of cordiani; i likewise considered her idea of having her bed placed near her mother’s nothing but artful contrivance.
the next day doctor olivo found her very feverish, and told her brother that she would most likely be excited and delirious, but that it would be the effect of the fever and not the work of the devil. and truly, bettina was raving all day, but dr. gozzi, placing implicit confidence in the physician, would not listen to his mother, and did not send for the jacobin friar. the fever increased in violence, and on the fourth day the small-pox broke out. cordiani and the two brothers feitrini, who had so far escaped that disease, were immediately sent away, but as i had had it before i remained at home.
the poor girl was so fearfully covered with the loathsome eruption, that on the sixth day her skin could not be seen on any part of her body. her eyes closed, and her life was despaired of, when it was found that her mouth and throat were obstructed to such a degree that she could swallow nothing but a few drops of honey. she was perfectly motionless; she breathed and that was all. her mother never left her bedside, and i was thought a saint when i carried my table and my books into the patient’s room. the unfortunate girl had become a fearful sight to look upon; her head was dreadfully swollen, the nose could no longer be seen, and much fear was entertained for her eyes, in case her life should be spared. the odour of her perspiration was most offensive, but i persisted in keeping my watch by her.
on the ninth day, the vicar gave her absolution, and after administering extreme unction, he left her, as he said, in the hands of god. in the midst of so much sadness, the conversation of the mother with her son, would, in spite of myself, cause me some amount of merriment. the good woman wanted to know whether the demon who was dwelling in her child could still influence her to perform extravagant follies, and what would become of the demon in the case of her daughter’s death, for, as she expressed it, she could not think of his being so stupid as to remain in so loathsome a body. she particularly wanted to ascertain whether the demon had power to carry off the soul of her child. doctor gozzi, who was an ubiquitarian, made to all those questions answers which had not even the shadow of good sense, and which of course had no other effect than to increase a hundred-fold the perplexity of his poor mother.
during the tenth and eleventh days, bettina was so bad that we thought every moment likely to be her last. the disease had reached its worst period; the smell was unbearable; i alone would not leave her, so sorely did i pity her. the heart of man is indeed an unfathomable abyss, for, however incredible it may appear, it was while in that fearful state that bettina inspired me with the fondness which i showed her after her recovery.
on the thirteenth day the fever abated, but the patient began to experience great irritation, owing to a dreadful itching, which no remedy could have allayed as effectually as these powerful words which i kept constantly pouring into her ear: “bettina, you are getting better; but if you dare to scratch yourself, you will become such a fright that nobody will ever love you.” all the physicians in the universe might be challenged to prescribe a more potent remedy against itching for a girl who, aware that she has been pretty, finds herself exposed to the loss of her beauty through her own fault, if she scratches herself.
at last her fine eyes opened again to the light of heaven; she was moved to her own room, but she had to keep her bed until easter. she inoculated me with a few pocks, three of which have left upon my face everlasting marks; but in her eyes they gave me credit for great devotedness, for they were a proof of my constant care, and she felt that i indeed deserved her whole love. and she truly loved me, and i returned her love, although i never plucked a flower which fate and prejudice kept in store for a husband. but what a contemptible husband!
two years later she married a shoemaker, by name pigozzo — a base, arrant knave who beggared and ill-treated her to such an extent that her brother had to take her home and to provide for her. fifteen years afterwards, having been appointed arch-priest at saint-george de la vallee, he took her there with him, and when i went to pay him a visit eighteen years ago, i found bettina old, ill, and dying. she breathed her last in my arms in 1776, twenty-four hours after my arrival. i will speak of her death in good time.
about that period, my mother returned from st. petersburg, where the empress anne iwanowa had not approved of the italian comedy. the whole of the troop had already returned to italy, and my mother had travelled with carlin bertinazzi, the harlequin, who died in paris in the year 1783. as soon as she had reached padua, she informed doctor gozzi of her arrival, and he lost no time in accompanying me to the inn where she had put up. we dined with her, and before bidding us adieu, she presented the doctor with a splendid fur, and gave me the skin of a lynx for bettina. six months afterwards she summoned me to venice, as she wished to see me before leaving for dresden, where she had contracted an engagement for life in the service of the elector of saxony, augustus iii., king of poland. she took with her my brother jean, then eight years old, who was weeping bitterly when he left; i thought him very foolish, for there was nothing very tragic in that departure. he is the only one in the family who was wholly indebted to our mother for his fortune, although he was not her favourite child.
i spent another year in padua, studying law in which i took the degree of doctor in my sixteenth year, the subject of my thesis being in the civil law, ‘de testamentis’, and in the canon law, ‘utrum hebraei possint construere novas synagogas’.
my vocation was to study medicine, and to practice it, for i felt a great inclination for that profession, but no heed was given to my wishes, and i was compelled to apply myself to the study of the law, for which i had an invincible repugnance. my friends were of opinion that i could not make my fortune in any profession but that of an advocate, and, what is still worse, of an ecclesiastical advocate. if they had given the matter proper consideration, they would have given me leave to follow my own inclinations, and i would have been a physician — a profession in which quackery is of still greater avail than in the legal business. i never became either a physician or an advocate, and i never would apply to a lawyer, when i had any legal business, nor call in a physician when i happened to be ill. lawsuits and pettifoggery may support a good many families, but a greater proportion is ruined by them, and those who perish in the hands, of physicians are more numerous by far than those who get cured strong evidence in my opinion, that mankind would be much less miserable without either lawyers or doctors.
to attend the lectures of the professors, i had to go to the university called the bo, and it became necessary for me to go out alone. this was a matter of great wonder to me, for until then i had never considered myself a free man; and in my wish to enjoy fully the liberty i thought i had just conquered, it was not long before i had made the very worst acquaintances amongst the most renowned students. as a matter of course, the most renowned were the most worthless, dissolute fellows, gamblers, frequenters of disorderly houses, hard drinkers, debauchees, tormentors and suborners of honest girls, liars, and wholly incapable of any good or virtuous feeling. in the company of such men did i begin my apprenticeship of the world, learning my lesson from the book of experience.
the theory of morals and its usefulness through the life of man can be compared to the advantage derived by running over the index of a book before reading it when we have perused that index we know nothing but the subject of the work. this is like the school for morals offered by the sermons, the precepts, and the tales which our instructors recite for our especial benefit. we lend our whole attention to those lessons, but when an opportunity offers of profiting by the advice thus bestowed upon us, we feel inclined to ascertain for ourselves whether the result will turn out as predicted; we give way to that very natural inclination, and punishment speedily follows with concomitant repentance. our only consolation lies in the fact that in such moments we are conscious of our own knowledge, and consider ourselves as having earned the right to instruct others; but those to whom we wish to impart our experience act exactly as we have acted before them, and, as a matter of course, the world remains in statu quo, or grows worse and worse.
when doctor gozzi granted me the privilege of going out alone, he gave me an opportunity for the discovery of several truths which, until then, were not only unknown to me, but the very existence of which i had never suspected. on my first appearance, the boldest scholars got hold of me and sounded my depth. finding that i was a thorough freshman, they undertook my education, and with that worthy purpose in view they allowed me to fall blindly into every trap. they taught me gambling, won the little i possessed, and then they made me play upon trust, and put me up to dishonest practices in order to procure the means of paying my gambling debts; but i acquired at the same time the sad experience of sorrow! yet these hard lessons proved useful, for they taught me to mistrust the impudent sycophants who openly flatter their dupes, and never to rely upon the offers made by fawning flatterers. they taught me likewise how to behave in the company of quarrelsome duellists, the society of whom ought to be avoided, unless we make up our mind to be constantly in the very teeth of danger. i was not caught in the snares of professional lewd women, because not one of them was in my eyes as pretty as bettina, but i did not resist so well the desire for that species of vain glory which is the reward of holding life at a cheap price.
in those days the students in padua enjoyed very great privileges, which were in reality abuses made legal through prescription, the primitive characteristic of privileges, which differ essentially from prerogatives. in fact, in order to maintain the legality of their privileges, the students often committed crimes. the guilty were dealt with tenderly, because the interest of the city demanded that severity should not diminish the great influx of scholars who flocked to that renowned university from every part of europe. the practice of the venetian government was to secure at a high salary the most celebrated professors, and to grant the utmost freedom to the young men attending their lessons. the students acknowledged no authority but that of a chief, chosen among themselves, and called syndic. he was usually a foreign nobleman, who could keep a large establishment, and who was responsible to the government for the behaviour of the scholars. it was his duty to give them up to justice when they transgressed the laws, and the students never disputed his sentence, because he always defended them to the utmost, when they had the slightest shadow of right on their side.
the students, amongst other privileges, would not suffer their trunks to be searched by customhouse authorities, and no ordinary policeman would have dared to arrest one of them. they carried about them forbidden weapons, seduced helpless girls, and often disturbed the public peace by their nocturnal broils and impudent practical jokes; in one word, they were a body of young fellows, whom nothing could restrain, who would gratify every whim, and enjoy their sport without regard or consideration for any human being.
it was about that time that a policeman entered a coffee-room, in which were seated two students. one of them ordered him out, but the man taking no notice of it, the student fired a pistol at him, and missed his aim. the policeman returned the fire, wounded the aggressor, and ran away. the students immediately mustered together at the bo, divided into bands, and went over the city, hunting the policemen to murder them, and avenge the insult they had received. in one of the encounters two of the students were killed, and all the others, assembling in one troop, swore never to lay their arms down as long as there should be one policeman alive in padua. the authorities had to interfere, and the syndic of the students undertook to put a stop to hostilities provided proper satisfaction was given, as the police were in the wrong. the man who had shot the student in the coffee-room was hanged, and peace was restored; but during the eight days of agitation, as i was anxious not to appear less brave than my comrades who were patrolling the city, i followed them in spite of doctor gozzi’s remonstrances. armed with a carbine and a pair of pistols, i ran about the town with the others, in quest of the enemy, and i recollect how disappointed i was because the troop to which i belonged did not meet one policeman. when the war was over, the doctor laughed at me, but bettina admired my valour. unfortunately, i indulged in expenses far above my means, owing to my unwillingness to seem poorer than my new friends. i sold or pledged everything i possessed, and i contracted debts which i could not possibly pay. this state of things caused my first sorrows, and they are the most poignant sorrows under which a young man can smart. not knowing which way to turn, i wrote to my excellent grandmother, begging her assistance, but instead of sending me some money, she came to padua on the 1st of october, 1739, and, after thanking the doctor and bettina for all their affectionate care, she bought me back to venice. as he took leave of me, the doctor, who was shedding tears, gave me what he prized most on earth; a relic of some saint, which perhaps i might have kept to this very day, had not the setting been of gold. it performed only one miracle, that of being of service to me in a moment of great need. whenever i visited padua, to complete my study of the law, i stayed at the house of the kind doctor, but i was always grieved at seeing near bettina the brute to whom she was engaged, and who did not appear to me deserving of such a wife. i have always regretted that a prejudice, of which i soon got rid, should have made me preserve for that man a flower which i could have plucked so easily.
