it was on a beautiful afternoon, in one of the last days of may, that ben renton went back to his father’s house. when he left it, he had not the slightest intention of separating himself so completely from his family; and yet, when he thought of it, he did not see what else he could have done. to go back now, when a definite beginning had been made in his career, and there was something decided upon—something to tell them of—was natural; but to have gone when his whole heart was full of millicent tracy, and no object beyond seeing her occupied his thoughts, would have been simply impossible. he felt that now, though he had not seen it at the time, and, feeling it, asked himself, with a flush of shame, how he could have ever hoped that she could love him—a man whose sole proof of his love was that he made himself useless for her sake! he was but on the threshold of armida’s garden, and already he blushed to think that he could have lingered there so long. but it was armida’s garden without the armida. it{198} was not by her will that he had lingered. the moment he had opened his heart to her, had she not urged him forth to the brighter daylight and more wholesome life? yes, or at least ben thought she had done so—he forgot exactly how. that it was to supply her wants that he had been roused out of his dream, and that afterwards downright destitution had threatened him, did not occur to him now. it was all so recent that it was obscure to him, except that he had woke up and found his feet standing on firm earth again, after he had told his story into her ear; for which poor ben’s heart poured forth litanies of thanksgiving to his lady of succour. he was awakened, but he was not undeceived.
in a county so richly wooded as berks, it is difficult to say which is more lovely, september or may. it was on a day of the st. martin’s summer that he had left renton, when the great rich, lavish trees were but beginning to carry here and there a faint fiery mark of autumn’s ‘burning finger.’ now they were all in their spring green, so new, so fresh, so silken in this year’s garments, that it seemed impossible any autumn could ever change the soft, glossy texture of the young leaves. it was the last day’s leisure he might have, except on the sea, for ever so long; and everything tempted him to enjoy it. he went as far as cookesley by the railway, and then got a boat and went up the stream for the short remaining distance. the renton woods were renowned—indeed,{199} uncomfortably so—parties going from far and near to visit them, and litter the leafy corners with signs of picnics. ‘i can’t say as they’ll let you land, sir,’ said the man from whom ben hired his boat. ‘the old lady’s there for ever, and shuts herself up and spoils our trade.’ before he could take any notice of this speech, or do more than feel a natural amazement to find himself so soon a stranger in his own country, another boatman thrust aside the new-comer, who had not recognised the young master. ‘i ask your pardon, sir; it’s a new man i’ve got,’ said the owner of the boat. ‘he don’t know no better, sir; and it’s long since we seen any o’ you gentlemen on the river. it do look a change.’
‘what! not even my brother?’ said ben; and somehow it was a kind of comfort to his mind that laurie had not been there.
‘mr. frank do come by times,’ said the boatman; ‘but things is changed since last summer, when you gentlemen was allays about—you and your friends.’
‘yes, tom, things are changed,’ said ben, as he pushed off from the bank. but somehow he did not feel so cast down about that change as he had been. even the sight of the silvery, quiet river, which had not altered, and the trees drooping over it, every branch of which he seemed to know; and the bank that swelled into soft cliffs and wooded heights, as a sudden turn brought him within sight of renton, did not bring up, as he had feared it would, any bitter{200} sense of injury and misfortune to his mind. instead of being the heir and proprietor of all this, he was but ben renton, assistant to a railway man, going engineering without knowing how, away to the other end of the world. he said so to himself, and still, somehow, he did not feel bitter, which was curious. on the contrary, a soft sense of well-being stole over him. the river was as beautiful as ever, though he had no territorial rights over it—the woods rustled as softly in the sweet air of the spring; the sky was so bright above him, and hope, and energy, and resolution so strong in his breast! and millicent! he had not known there was such a creature when he had last been there—reason enough to take away all the bitterness from his sensations now. yet it was strange to see the house exactly as it used to be—the outer blinds dropped over mrs. renton’s windows, her flowers arranged in their old order, her very sofa placed beneath the trees, as if she had been there a moment before. the only change ben could see was in his mother’s crape-covered dress and the dead white of the cap which surrounded her pretty, faded face. that was an improvement, though she did not think so; but it was the only visible sign of all the great events that had occurred at the manor within this eventful year.
‘oh, ben, i thought i had lost you!’ cried his mother. ‘i thought you were gone, too, like your father;’ and she clasped her arms round her boy, and{201} wept on his shoulder. that was all the reproach she made to him. and ben, as was natural, fell immediately into self-accusation. but in his heart he felt that it would have been impossible. he could not have kept coming and going to this familiar place while his mind was full of millicent tracy, and of nothing else in the world. it could not have been. he would have been driven to some violent step—he knew not what—had he come home in the midst of that time of enchantment. the contrast would have killed him, or made him desperate. it would have dispersed the rosy mists, and brought him back to sober day. now that the spell was broken, he recognised, so far, its nature. and yet it was the magic of this spell which brought him home with a clear brow and unembittered heart, and defended him against all the suggestions of discontent. there was nothing of the injured man in his look, no consciousness of misfortune or downfall. perhaps mrs. renton would not have been quick enough to see this; but there were another pair of eyes looking on—fairly bright ones, though not like millicent’s—which took it in at a glance, and wondered, and thought of ben more highly than he deserved. mary westbury had been with her godmother all the winter through, giving many a thought to her cousins, to whom she had been as a sister, and saying many a prayer in her heart for poor ben, the most hardly treated of all, whose wound was so deep that he had not the fortitude to come{202} home. mary had been seized with a pang of fear when she saw her cousin, without any warning of his approach, come in, as of old times, by the window which opened on the garden. she expected to see him with a gloomy face, ‘feeling it’ so deeply as to make everybody else miserable. but, on the contrary, ben’s countenance was unclouded, and his demeanour that of a man satisfied with his own position. mary’s heart gave a little jump, and then settled into a pleasant glow of friendly warmth and soft agitation. after all, what a noble fellow he was! how fine it was of him to take to the change so kindly, and bear no malice! she left the mother and son by themselves at first, as soon as she could do it without ostentation, and went out, being excited, and walked about by herself in a very pleasant flutter of spirits. she was fond of laurie, as everybody was, poor fellow; but ben—ben was different; and how noble of him to come home with that easy look, that unconstrained smile! poor mary made out a whole little romance as she came and went—an innocent, ingenuous creature, with summer in her face and in her heart—under the silken greenness of the lime-trees. no doubt he must have had a hard fight to subdue himself at first—not an easy, facile temper like laurie—not a boy like frank—but a man with settled plans of his own, and strong feelings, and an almost stern character. he had kept away until he had overcome himself. he had fought it out all{203} alone, struggling with his dragon, until at last he had been able to set his foot upon him; and then the victor had come with a smile on his face to see his mother. such was mary’s fancy, knowing no better; and if she had vaguely admired, vaguely dreamed of her splendid cousin—the special hero of this drama—before, think with what a sudden thrill of enthusiasm, of dangerous approbation and applause, she regarded him now!
‘they must have had their first talk out, and perhaps he will want something,’ mary said to herself after a while, and was turning to go in, when ben met her,—coming to look for her, he said. it was mrs. renton’s time for her sleep, and he had settled her pillows for her, and mary was to have a holiday for once.
‘we are to leave her alone for an hour or two,’ said ben; ‘and, mary, you must tell me all about her. you have been doing our duty while we have been,—pleasing ourselves. i have behaved like a brute to my poor mother.’
‘oh, no,’ said mary; ‘we have never thought so. you are not like,—the rest of us. i always understood how it was. you were waiting till you could come as you ought,—as you are. i would not write to you, ben. i thought, perhaps, it was better you should not hear from any of us; but i felt how it was.’
this little speech, which came out of mar{204}y’s very heart, and was founded upon utter conviction, struck ben with the wildest perplexity. could she know how he had in reality spent his time? could she be mocking him? but a glance at her face made that idea impossible. mary believed in him somehow, though he did not even guess why. it gave him a little uncomfortable thrill of self-consciousness; and, what was still more strange, it gave him just a momentary amusement; but, on the whole, perhaps its effect was encouraging, and set him at his ease with his new companion.
‘i have behaved like a brute,’ he said again; ‘though you, with your kind heart, make excuses for me; but, after all, it has been a little hard. a man cannot be twisted out of his socket and set into another without feeling it, mary; though i do not dwell upon that now.’
‘oh, i know,’ cried mary, with all her heart; ‘and there has never been a day that i have not thought of you, ben; but you have overcome it nobly,’ the girl cried in her enthusiasm, with tears in her eyes. dear, little, soft, foolish creature!—what did she mean?
‘put on your hat and come down with me to the river,’ said ben. ‘my mother says you have no variety, nor even air. and she is to be left by herself till dinner. come, and i will row you up to the swan’s nest. do you remember?’
‘do i remember!’ cried mary, rushing into the{205} house for her hat. her heart beat as it had never beat before in its life. ben to recollect the old story of the swan’s nest! it was natural that laurie, her own playfellow, should think of all those childish follies,—but ben! she came rushing out again, putting on her hat as she came, not to keep the prince waiting. if poor mary had but known the use that had been made of her name six months before in guildford street, or why it was that her lordly cousin was so gracious to her now!
but, meanwhile, they went very pleasantly together down the winding road under the trees to the river. both of them, in their different ways, had that enthusiasm for the beauty of their home which is common to well-educated young english people, not fine enough to be blasés. mary,—to whom it was a delight at any time to approach the beautiful river near which she had been born, by this winding woodland road, shaded by those great trees under which her mother and her mother’s mother had watched it gliding past,—was this day wrapt in a tender content which gave additional beauty to everything around. there was splendour in the grass and glory in the flower wherever she set her foot on that day of days; and when the humblest things were thus enhanced, what was it to float forth on the blessed river, all encompassed by summer light, and the sweetest sounds and sights of nature! even to ben, pre-occupied as he was, there was a{206} pleasure in her gentle company, in the familiar home-look of everything, that penetrated his heart in spite of himself. the sense of life had risen strongly in him after his voluntary banishment. the unusual exercise, the soft gliding of the water round the boat, the glimmer and murmur of the stream, and mary’s pleasant face,—not beautiful, like the other face he was thinking of,—her soft talk and tremulous, gentle laughter, her happiness and ingenuous confidence, all soothed and consoled him. it would have been rapture with that other; now, it was not rapture, but a certain soft content. she was a good girl, so kind to his mother, like a sister to them all,—a dear, little, sweet-voiced, bright-faced creature. ben would have defended her against all the world; he would have pitched into the river, without a moment’s hesitation, any man who harmed her so much as by a thought;—he looked at her with a certain affectionate observation and loving-kindness,—poor mary! and yet with his heart full of that other,—possessed by the enchantress all the time.
‘you are looking a little pale,’ he said, with that frank, affectionate interest in her; ‘but you must not let my mother keep you too much with her. she does not mean to be selfish, poor dear. you must run out and see your friends, mary, and get your roses back.’
‘he cares for my roses then,’ said mistaken mary{207} to herself, with a flush of shy pleasure which restored them to her cheeks. but,—‘indeed, i am quite well, ben; and i like to be with godmamma. how strange you should tell me she is not selfish,—i who know her so well!’—was what she said.
‘perhaps better than i do,’ said ben. ‘i think women know each other best;’ and he stopped short with sudden gravity, and perhaps just a lingering doubt of what mary’s opinion might be of another. he meant to ask her, but somehow he was embarrassed about it. it could wait for another time, at least till they had finished their row. and they began to talk of family matters, the familiar talk which is so pleasant in its mild interest;—how old sargent was having it all his own way with the garden; how willis the butler was tyrannical to the ladies; the little mots of the house, and its opinions upon things in general. and then they reached the swan’s nest, which mary had made a child’s romance about once like little ella in mrs. browning’s poem. the two knew every water-lily and every flag, and the separate droop of every willow-branch at that fairy nook.
‘i did not think you would have remembered,’ mary said in her shy delight. and they turned and floated down again with the oars laid silent in the boat, and the sweet water plashing softly with a quiver and ripple of sound and sunshine, so twined together that they seemed but one, about its tiny{208} bows. even ben was hushed, and charmed, and softened by the exquisite tender stillness and brightness. fancy what poor mary must have been, shut up so long in mrs. renton’s shaded room, with one day of delight thus dropped unawares into her life!
they had reached the bank again, and were wandering slowly up the ascent towards the house before the charm was broken. it was just as they turned and stood still by mutual consent,—as everybody did who knew that view,—to look down upon the river from between the two great beeches, which framed it in, and made an ideal picture of the lovely reality. there was an opening below among the trees, and a silvery nook, with an island just appearing, a goodly bank opposite with groups of sleek cattle, and in the distance cookesley church with its ivied tower. the view was always perfect just there; a little ‘bit’ of nature’s own composition, in which the trees, and cows, and the very swans, posed themselves by instinct, as the most exquisite art would have posed them. many a time afterwards mary westbury looked at that scene, and felt again the sudden twang of the bowstring and the quiver of the arrow in her heart. that was the metaphor under which she represented it to herself.
‘you have never been out of berks, have you, mary,’ said her cousin, ‘you home-keeping girl?—you were educated close by here, were you not?{209}’
‘what people call educated,’ said mary, with her soft, happy laugh. ‘i never learned anything. it was at thornycroft, not more than ten miles off. but it is so odd that you should remember, ben.’
‘do you recollect a miss tracy there?’ said ben, with a slight breathlessness,—the road was so steep; was that the cause?
‘miss tracy? oh, you mean millicent. what! do you know her?’ cried mary, turning round upon him. he was taken by surprise, and perhaps his face betrayed him. at all events, she grew pale in a moment, poor child, and leaned her arm against one of the beech-trees. that was the moment at which she often thought the string of the bow twanged and the arrow came home.
‘i have met her,’ said ben;—‘that is, i have seen a good deal of her; and she seemed to be fond of you.’
‘millicent tracy!’ repeated mary, with a little tremulous movement. ‘oh, i don’t think she was fond of me.’
‘you do not seem, at least, to have been fond of her,’ said ben, with a little pique in his tone.
‘she was not in my set,’ said mary, plucking up a little spirit. ‘we were younger. she was so pretty,—oh, so pretty! we all thought there never was any one like her. is she as pretty now?’ mary asked, with an attempt at interest; but her tone was not so eager and hearty as her words.{210}
‘she is not pretty at all;—she is beautiful,’ said ben, his passion betraying itself in spite of him. and then they stood silent, looking down on the river, and for some minutes not another word was said. it was ben who was the first to speak. the man was angry, after the fashion of men, with the girl who up to this moment had been so sweetly ready to adopt what tone he pleased to give the conversation. ‘i seem to have been unfortunate in my subject,’ he said, turning abruptly to go in. ‘miss tracy, i see, cannot have been a favourite among the girls at thornycroft. she was too beautiful, i suppose.’
‘indeed, no,’ said mary, with a little indignation, following him. ‘we were all very proud of her beauty. though i don’t think we thought of beauty. we thought she was very pretty,—oh, so pretty! no girl at thornycroft was ever so nice-looking; and nice too,’ she continued with a hesitating attempt to please him. ‘i always did think that she was nice, too.’
‘that was very good of you,’ ben said, with a little scornful laugh; but mary was silent again, and grew frightened, and felt as if her heart would break. what was millicent tracy to him? his cousin thought. if this was all he had come home for, only to ask about such a girl as that!—not for his mother at all, nor for mary, nor for the sake of home. the idea so disturbed her temper and patience that she{211} had some difficulty in keeping the ready tears from falling; and this, of course, was going a great deal too far, for it was not for the sole purpose of asking about millicent that ben had gone home.
from that moment a cloud fell over the shining day,—not in reality, for the sun shone as bright as ever,—but upon the cousins, as they climbed the winding path. all its exquisite greenness and intervals of sunshine and shade,—all the play of light and colour about, the silvery gleam of the river, the soft, full verdure behind,—were lost upon them. a jar had struck into the magical harmony of the summer air. mary, after the first moment, recovering herself from that pang of mortification and disappointment, began to struggle with herself for something to say. what could she say? millicent had not been popular at thornycroft. she had turned the heads of the young masters, and being new to the delights of conquest, had encouraged them to make fools of themselves, and had scandalised the entire community. she had tempted the curate, who was the brother of miss thorny, the head of the establishment at thornycroft, into a flirtation, and broken his heart; and in consequence of this feat had left the school abruptly. ‘perhaps she was not so very much to blame,’ mary said to herself as she went painfully along by ben’s side, watching his averted face. ‘men are such fools;’—unconsciously she repeated in her innocence that sentiment which was the fruit of{212} millicent’s experience;—‘they will do anything for beauty.’ probably it was their own doing. could it be millicent’s fault if they went crazy about her lovely face? thus the good girl reasoned herself into tolerance. she made a great many little feints to call ben’s attention,—cleared her throat, dropped her gloves, tried what she could, by every innocent artifice which occurred to her, to get him to resume the interrupted conversation;—but ben, with something of the brutality of a big brother mingling, as was inevitable, with his brotherly kindness, marched on and took no notice. she had to make a faltering beginning herself without any aid from him.
‘ben,’ she said, ‘you are not to think i did not like millicent, or that she was not very nice. i daresay it was not her fault. everybody made a fuss about her wherever she went;—she was so very pretty. i don’t think it could have been her fault.’
‘being pretty?’ said ben, with the sneer that women hate.
‘you know i did not mean that,’ said mary, injured. ‘i think it must have been the gentlemen’s own doing. mr. thorny was very silly to think she would ever have had him. i am sure that must have been his foolishness. she so pretty and so clever, and he only a common curate, you know;—just like other curates, nothing particular about him. it must have been his own fault.’
‘i have not the advantage of knowing what you{213} refer to,’ said ben, with the haughtiest assumption of indifference, though his temper had taken fire and his pride was all in arms. a curate,—a common curate,—to have been associated anyhow, by any means whatever, with millicent! in his heart he was furious, though he managed to keep some outward calm.
‘oh, it was nothing,’ said mary, faltering, and feeling that her attempt at making up had not been successful,—‘only they said it was that that threw him into a consumption. but it was not her fault,—it might have happened to any of us,’ said mary, with a sudden blush; for had it not fallen to her lot, though she was no flirt and not even a beauty like millicent, to inflict a passing wound without knowing it on a curate of her own?
then ben laughed, but it was a very unpleasant laugh. ‘when a lady frowns a man can but die,’ he said. ‘how could he do less? i suppose that is what you mean?’
‘oh, ben!’ cried mary, with a hopeless appeal to his sense of justice. but he only shrugged his shoulders and began to whistle, and walked the rest of the way at such a pace that it was all she could do to keep up with him. not another word did he say to her on the subject, nor did he pay any attention to her little faltering speeches. he whistled, which was very rude of him; and, after a while, mary, who had a spirit of her own, grew indignant, and, if she did not{214} whistle, did what was equivalent,—she took up the air he was whistling, and sang it softly with a pretty little voice. ‘i did not know you had been fond of music, ben,’ she said with a laugh; but it cost her a good cry when she got into her own room. ben, who was so superior, who had borne his trial so nobly, who was going to work like a hero,—ben, who had always been, more than she knew, her own ideal of man,—to think that millicent tracy with her pretty face——! ‘why, even laurie would have seen through her!’ mary said to herself, and wept with the poignant prick of self-knowledge, which gives the chief bitterness to such a discovery,—not self-esteem, but that indignant, sorrowful, honest insight which, on such a provocation, reveals one’s worth to oneself in pain and not in vanity. ‘having known me, to decline on a range of lower feelings and a narrower heart than mine!’ mary did not say this, any more than ben had said of whose image his heart was full; but she felt it with a sharp mingling of pride and humiliation. ‘not that it can be anything to me,’ she added aloud, to save her own credit, as it were, with herself; and put on her prettiest dress, and was very cheerful and amusing at dinner, when the mother was rather melancholy and had need of enlivenment. ben’s spirits had flagged, partly with the shock his pride had received, and partly with the associations which began to creep over him. the dinner-room, in which it was so strange to take his father’s place; the{215} old servants, who were connected so completely with the old time; all the routine of the house, in which nothing was changed but one thing,—affected the young man in spite of himself. he had been defrauded, as it were, out of his natural grief for his father; and now the mute eloquence of the vacant place seized upon him. so good a father up to the last moment; so kind,—even at the last moment filled with special compunction for ben! mr. renton’s son felt, almost for the first time, how much wisdom, and support, and guidance, how much tender affection and watchful care, were lost to him. when his mother, faltering, spoke, as to the boy she still felt him to be, of ‘your dear papa,’ ben fell back into the boy she thought him, and soft tears came into his eyes. perhaps the sadness did him more good than his former mood of satisfaction; but it somewhat defeated his cousin mary, who meant to be gay, and prove to him that his enthusiasm for millicent tracy was nothing to her. on the contrary, the soft-hearted, sympathetic creature turned her pleasant eyes upon him, all shining with tears when his change of mood became visible, and forgave him his millicent, and comforted herself that it was but a fancy; and they were all very affectionate together, and somewhat pathetic, with that common grief behind them and the common pang of parting before them, for the rest of the night.
yet when ben went to his room, he paused on his way at the great window on the staircase, from which{216} all the noble gardens of the manor, and the west wing, and the line of trees which overhung the river, were visible, all ghostly and mysterious in the moonlight, and stood looking out with a sudden flutter at his heart. his thoughts were not at home, nor of the past. the question which suddenly flashed across his mind was, should he ever bring her here to be the mistress of it all? it was the first time he had ever allowed himself to speculate upon the distant future at the end of his seven years’ probation. mrs. renton had gone to bed weeping, yet consoled by her son’s presence and sympathy; and mary was taking herself to task, in her maiden retirement, for having been hard upon poor ben; while ben stood at the window looking out on the moonlight, forgetting the very existence of these two, and asking himself, with a thrill that ran through all his veins, should he ever bring her here? mary’s hesitating story, her faint praise, her deprecation of all intention to blame, even the curate,—contemptible shadow!—angry as they had made him at the moment, had faded from his thoughts. he seemed to see her in her stately beauty coming across the lordly lawn. how lovely she was! even the silly school-girls, unimpassioned, feminine creatures, impervious to that influence, were compelled to acknowledge it. what if she might stand with him here by this very window, and look out on the moonlight some other night?
this was how ben renton went out upon the{217} world,—in charity with his own people, even with his father who had been so hard upon him; and feeling, after all, that at five-and-twenty a man, even when disinherited, with work in his hands to occupy him, fresh air to breathe, and novel scenes to see, and energies to exercise in a big spacious world where there was room to do something, had no particular occasion to quarrel with life or fate. the thread of actual work, as soon as he got it into his hands, had enabled him to trace his way out of all the morbid labyrinths of solitary musing. armida’s garden was left behind for ever; but the witch, who had enchanted him and possessed herself of his life, was so far from suffering by the change, that she had developed in his imagination into a white angelic woman, worthy reward of all labour. poor, foolish ben! and yet it could not have been anything but a high nature which emerged from that six months’ mist of self-inspection, bitterness, idleness, and insane passion, with at least a true sense of the realities of his position, and a true love in his heart.
and thus equipped he disappears from us for seven years into the vast and troubled world.
