i have stated the narrative of mr. collins, interspersed with such other information as i was able to collect, with all the exactness that my memory, assisted by certain memorandums i made at the time, will afford. i do not pretend to warrant the authenticity of any part of these memoirs, except so much as fell under my own knowledge, and that part shall be given with the same simplicity and accuracy, that i would observe towards a court which was to decide in the last resort upon every thing dear to me. the same scrupulous fidelity restrains me from altering the manner of mr. collins’s narrative to adapt it to the precepts of my own taste; and it will soon be perceived how essential that narrative is to the elucidation of my history.
the intention of my friend in this communication was to give me ease; but he in reality added to my embarrassment. hitherto i had had no intercourse with the world and its passions; and, though i was not totally unacquainted with them as they appear in books, this proved of little service to me when i came to witness them myself. the case seemed entirely altered, when the subject of those passions was continually before my eyes, and the events had happened but the other day as it were, in the very neighbourhood where i lived. there was a connection and progress in this narrative, which made it altogether unlike the little village incidents i had hitherto known. my feelings were successively interested for the different persons that were brought upon the scene. my veneration was excited for mr. clare, and my applause for the intrepidity of mrs. hammond. i was astonished that any human creature should be so shockingly perverted as mr. tyrrel. i paid the tribute of my tears to the memory of the artless miss melville. i found a thousand fresh reasons to admire and love mr. falkland.
at present i was satisfied with thus considering every incident in its obvious sense. but the story i had heard was for ever in my thoughts, and i was peculiarly interested to comprehend its full import. i turned it a thousand ways, and examined it in every point of view. in the original communication it appeared sufficiently distinct and satisfactory; but as i brooded over it, it gradually became mysterious. there was something strange in the character of hawkins. so firm, so sturdily honest and just, as he appeared at first; all at once to become a murderer! his first behaviour under the prosecution, how accurately was it calculated to prepossess one in his favour! to be sure, if he were guilty, it was unpardonable in him to permit a man of so much dignity and worth as mr. falkland to suffer under the imputation of his crime! and yet i could not help bitterly compassionating the honest fellow, brought to the gallows, as he was, strictly speaking, by the machinations of that devil incarnate, mr. tyrrel. his son, too, that son for whom he voluntarily sacrificed his all, to die with him at the same tree; surely never was a story more affecting!
was it possible, after all, that mr. falkland should be the murderer? the reader will scarcely believe, that the idea suggested itself to my mind that i would ask him. it was but a passing thought; but it serves to mark the simplicity of my character. then i recollected the virtues of my master, almost too sublime for human nature; i thought of his sufferings so unexampled, so unmerited; and chid myself for the suspicion. the dying confession of hawkins recurred to my mind; and i felt that there was no longer a possibility of doubting. and yet what was the meaning of all mr. falkland’s agonies and terrors? in fine, the idea having once occurred to my mind, it was fixed there for ever. my thoughts fluctuated from conjecture to conjecture, but this was the centre about which they revolved. i determined to place myself as a watch upon my patron.
the instant i had chosen this employment for myself, i found a strange sort of pleasure in it. to do what is forbidden always has its charms, because we have an indistinct apprehension of something arbitrary and tyrannical in the prohibition. to be a spy upon mr. falkland! that there was danger in the employment, served to give an alluring pungency to the choice. i remembered the stern reprimand i had received, and his terrible looks; and the recollection gave a kind of tingling sensation, not altogether unallied to enjoyment. the further i advanced, the more the sensation was irresistible. i seemed to myself perpetually upon the brink of being countermined, and perpetually roused to guard my designs. the more impenetrable mr. falkland was determined to be, the more uncontrollable was my curiosity. through the whole, my alarm and apprehension of personal danger had a large mixture of frankness and simplicity, conscious of meaning no ill, that made me continually ready to say every thing that was upon my mind, and would not suffer me to believe that, when things were brought to the test, any one could be seriously angry with me.
these reflections led gradually to a new state of my mind. when i had first removed into mr. falkland’s family, the novelty of the scene rendered me cautious and reserved. the distant and solemn manners of my master seemed to have annihilated my constitutional gaiety. but the novelty by degrees wore off, and my constraint in the same degree diminished. the story i had now heard, and the curiosity it excited, restored to me activity, eagerness, and courage. i had always had a propensity to communicate my thoughts; my age was, of course, inclined to talkativeness; and i ventured occasionally in a sort of hesitating way, as if questioning whether such a conduct might be allowed, to express my sentiments as they arose, in the presence of mr. falkland.
the first time i did so, he looked at me with an air of surprise, made me no answer, and presently took occasion to leave me. the experiment was soon after repeated. my master seemed half inclined to encourage me, and yet doubtful whether he might venture.
he had long been a stranger to pleasure of every sort, and my artless and untaught remarks appeared to promise him some amusement. could an amusement of this sort be dangerous?
in this uncertainty he could not probably find it in his heart to treat with severity my innocent effusions. i needed but little encouragement; for the perturbation of my mind stood in want of this relief. my simplicity, arising from my being a total stranger to the intercourse of the world, was accompanied with a mind in some degree cultivated with reading, and perhaps not altogether destitute of observation and talent. my remarks were therefore perpetually unexpected, at one time implying extreme ignorance, and at another some portion of acuteness, but at all times having an air of innocence, frankness, and courage. there was still an apparent want of design in the manner, even after i was excited accurately to compare my observations, and study the inferences to which they led; for the effect of old habit was more visible than that of a recently conceived purpose which was yet scarcely mature.
mr. falkland’s situation was like that of a fish that plays with the bait employed to entrap him. by my manner he was in a certain degree encouraged to lay aside his usual reserve, and relax his stateliness; till some abrupt observation or interrogatory stung him into recollection, and brought back his alarm. still it was evident that he bore about him a secret wound. whenever the cause of his sorrows was touched, though in a manner the most indirect and remote, his countenance altered, his distemper returned, and it was with difficulty that he could suppress his emotions, sometimes conquering himself with painful effort, and sometimes bursting into a sort of paroxysm of insanity, and hastening to bury himself in solitude.
these appearances i too frequently interpreted into grounds of suspicion, though i might with equal probability and more liberality have ascribed them to the cruel mortifications he had encountered in the objects of his darling ambition. mr. collins had strongly urged me to secrecy; and mr. falkland, whenever my gesture or his consciousness impressed him with the idea of my knowing more than i expressed, looked at me with wistful earnestness, as questioning what was the degree of information i possessed, and how it was obtained. but again at our next interview the simple vivacity of my manner restored his tranquillity, obliterated the emotion of which i had been the cause, and placed things afresh in their former situation.
the longer this humble familiarity on my part had continued, the more effort it would require to suppress it; and mr. falkland was neither willing to mortify me by a severe prohibition of speech, nor even perhaps to make me of so much consequence, as that prohibition might seem to imply. though i was curious, it must not be supposed that i had the object of my enquiry for ever in my mind, or that my questions and innuendoes were perpetually regulated with the cunning of a grey-headed inquisitor. the secret wound of mr. falkland’s mind was much more uniformly present to his recollection than to mine; and a thousand times he applied the remarks that occurred in conversation; when i had not the remotest idea of such an application, till some singularity in his manner brought it back to my thoughts. the consciousness of this morbid sensibility, and the imagination that its influence might perhaps constitute the whole of the case, served probably to spur mr. falkland again to the charge, and connect a sentiment of shame, with every project that suggested itself for interrupting the freedom of our intercourse.
i will give a specimen of the conversations to which i allude; and, as it shall be selected from those which began upon topics the most general and remote, the reader will easily imagine the disturbance that was almost daily endured by a mind so tremblingly alive as that of my patron.
“pray, sir,” said i, one day as i was assisting mr. falkland in arranging some papers, previously to their being transcribed into his collection, “how came alexander of macedon to be surnamed the great?”
“how came it? did you never read his history?”
“yes, sir.”
“well, williams, and could you find no reasons there?”
“why, i do not know, sir. i could find reasons why he should be so famous; but every man that is talked of is not admired. judges differ about the merits of alexander. doctor prideaux says in his connection, that he deserves only to be called the great cut-throat; and the author of tom jones has written a volume, to prove that he and all other conquerors ought to be classed with jonathan wild.”
mr. falkland reddened at these citations.
“accursed blasphemy! did these authors think that, by the coarseness of their ribaldry, they could destroy his well-earned fame? are learning, sensibility, and taste, no securities to exempt their possessor from this vulgar abuse? did you ever read, williams, of a man more gallant, generous, and free? was ever mortal so completely the reverse of every thing engrossing and selfish? he formed to himself a sublime image of excellence, and his only ambition was to realise it in his own story. remember his giving away every thing when he set out upon his grand expedition, professedly reserving for himself nothing but hope. recollect his heroic confidence in philip the physician, and his entire and unalterable friendship for ephestion. he treated the captive family of darius with the most cordial urbanity, and the venerable sysigambis with all the tenderness and attention of a son to his mother. never take the judgment, williams, upon such a subject, of a clerical pedant or a westminster justice. examine for yourself, and you will find in alexander a model of honour, generosity, and disinterestedness,— a man who, for the cultivated liberality of his mind, and the unparalleled grandeur of his projects, must stand alone the spectacle and admiration of all ages of the world.”
“ah, sir! it is a fine thing for us to sit here and compose his panegyric. but shall i forget what a vast expense was bestowed in erecting the monument of his fame? was not he the common disturber of mankind? did not he over-run nations that would never have heard of him but for his devastations? how many hundred thousands of lives did he sacrifice in his career? what must i think of his cruelties; a whole tribe massacred for a crime committed by their ancestors one hundred and fifty years before; fifty thousand sold into slavery; two thousand crucified for their gallant defence of their country? man is surely a strange sort of creature, who never praises any one more heartily than him who has spread destruction and ruin over the face of nations!”
“the way of thinking you express, williams, is natural enough, and i cannot blame you for it. but let me hope that you will become more liberal. the death of a hundred thousand men is at first sight very shocking; but what in reality are a hundred thousand such men, more than a hundred thousand sheep? it is mind, williams, the generation of knowledge and virtue, that we ought to love. this was the project of alexander; he set out in a great undertaking to civilise mankind; he delivered the vast continent of asia from the stupidity and degradation of the persian monarchy: and, though he was cut off in the midst of his career, we may easily perceive the vast effects of his project. grecian literature and cultivation, the seleucidae, the antiochuses, and the ptolemies followed, in nations which before had been sunk to the condition of brutes. alexander was the builder, as notoriously as the destroyer, of cities.”
“and yet, sir, i am afraid that the pike and the battle-axe are not the right instruments for making men wise. suppose it were admitted that the lives of men were to be sacrificed without remorse if a paramount good were to result, it seems to me as if murder and massacre were but a very left-handed way of producing civilisation and love. but pray, do not you think this great hero was a sort of a madman? what now will you say to his firing the palace of persepolis, his weeping for other worlds to conquer, and his marching his whole army over the burning sands of libya, merely to visit a temple, and persuade mankind that he was the son of jupiter ammon?”
“alexander, my boy, has been much misunderstood. mankind have revenged themselves upon him by misrepresentation, for having so far eclipsed the rest of his species. it was necessary to the realising his project, that he should pass for a god. it was the only way by which he could get a firm hold upon the veneration of the stupid and bigoted persians. it was this, and not a mad vanity, that was the source of his proceeding. and how much had he to struggle with in this respect, in the unapprehending obstinacy of some of his macedonians?”
“why then, sir, at last alexander did but employ means that all politicians profess to use, as well as he. he dragooned men into wisdom, and cheated them into the pursuit of their own happiness. but what is worse, sir, this alexander, in the paroxysm of his headlong rage, spared neither friend nor foe. you will not pretend to justify the excesses of his ungovernable passion. it is impossible, sure, that a word can be said for a man whom a momentary provocation can hurry into the commission of murders —”
the instant i had uttered these words, i felt what it was that i had done. there was a magnetical sympathy between me and my patron, so that their effect was not sooner produced upon him, than my own mind reproached me with the inhumanity of the allusion. our confusion was mutual. the blood forsook at once the transparent complexion of mr. falkland, and then rushed back again with rapidity and fierceness. i dared not utter a word, lest i should commit a new error, worse than that into which i had just fallen. after a short, but severe, struggle to continue the conversation, mr. falkland began with trepidation, but afterwards became calmer:—
“you are not candid — alexander — you must learn more clemency — alexander, i say, does not deserve this rigour. do you remember his tears, his remorse, his determined abstinence from food, which he could scarcely be persuaded to relinquish? did not that prove acute feeling and a rooted principle of equity?— well, well, alexander was a true and judicious lover of mankind, and his real merits have been little comprehended.”
i know not how to make the state of my mind at that moment accurately understood. when one idea has got possession of the soul, it is scarcely possible to keep it from finding its way to the lips. error, once committed, has a fascinating power, like that ascribed to the eyes of the rattlesnake, to draw us into a second error. it deprives us of that proud confidence in our own strength, to which we are indebted for so much of our virtue. curiosity is a restless propensity, and often does but hurry us forward the more irresistibly, the greater is the danger that attends its indulgence.
“clitus,” said i, “was a man of very coarse and provoking manners, was he not?”
mr. falkland felt the full force of this appeal. he gave me a penetrating look, as if he would see my very soul. his eyes were then in an instant withdrawn. i could perceive him seized with a convulsive shuddering which, though strongly counteracted, and therefore scarcely visible, had i know not what of terrible in it. he left his employment, strode about the room in anger, his visage gradually assumed an expression as of supernatural barbarity, he quitted the apartment abruptly, and flung the door with a violence that seemed to shake the house.
“is this,” said i, “the fruit of conscious guilt, or of the disgust that a man of honour conceives at guilt undeservedly imputed?”
