friday, may 26, 1944
my dearest kitty,
at long, long last, i can sit quietly at my table before the crack in the window frame and write you everything, everything i want to say.
i feel more miserable than i have in months. even after the break-in i didn't feel so utterly broken, inside and out. on the one hand, there's the news about mr. van hoeven, the jewish question (which is discussed in detail by everyone in the house), the invasion (which is so long in coming), the awful food, the tension, the misera- ble atmosphere, my disappointment in peter. on the other hand, there's bep's engagement, the pentecost reception, the flowers, mr. kugler's birthday, cakes and stories about cabarets, movies and concerts. that gap, that enormous gap, is always there. one day we're laugh- ing at the comical side of life in hiding, and the next day (and there are many such days), we're frightened, and the fear, tension and despair can be read on our faces.
miep and mr. kugler bear the greatest burden for us, and for all those in hiding-miep in everything she does and mr. kugler through his enormous responsibthty for the eight of us, which is sometimes so overwhelming that he can hardly speak from the pent-up tension and strain. mr. kleiman and bep also take very good care of us, but they're able to put the annex out of their minds, even if it's only for a few hours or a few days. they have their own worries, mr. kleiman with his health and bep with her engagement, which isn't looking very promising lat the moment. but they also have their outings, their visits with friends, their everyday lives as ordinary people, so that the tension is sometimes relieved, if only for a short while, while ours never is, never has been, not once in the two years we've been here. how much longer will this increasingly oppressive, unbearable weight press i down on us?
the drains are clogged again. we can't run the wa- ter, or if we do, only a trickle; we can't flush the toilet, so we have to use a toilet brush; and we've been putting our dirty water into a big earthenware jar. we can man- age for today, but what will happen if the plumber can't fix it on his own? the sanitation department can't come until tuesday.
miep sent us a raisin bread with "happy pentecost" written on top. it's almost as if she were mocking us, since our moods and cares are far from "happy."
we've all become more frightened since the van hoeven business. once again you hear "shh" from all i sides, and we're doing everything more quietly. the police forced the door there; they could just as easily do that here too! what will we do if we're ever. . . no, i mustn't write that down. but the question won't let itself be pushed to the back of my mind today; on the contrary, all the fear i've ever felt is looming before me in all its horror.
i had to go downstairs alone at eight this evening to use the bathroom. there was no one down there, since they were all listening to the radio. i wanted to be brave, but it was hard. i always feel safer upstairs than in that huge, silent house; when i'm alone with those mysterious muffied sounds from upstairs and the honking of horns in the street, i have to hurry and remind myself where i am to keep from getting the shivers.
miep has been acting much nicer toward us since her talk with father. but i haven't told you about that yet. miep came up one afternoon all flushed and asked father straight out if we thought they too were infected with the current anti-semitism. father was stunned and quickly talked her out of the idea, but some of miep's suspicion has lingered on. they're doing more errands for us now and showing more of an interest in our troubles, though we certainly shouldn't bother them with our woes. oh, they're such good, noble people!
i've asked myself again and again whether it wouldn't have been better if we hadn't gone into hiding, if we were dead now and didn't have to go through this misery, especially so that the others could be spared the burden. but we all shrink from this thought. we still love life, we haven't yet forgotten the voice of nature, and we keep hoping, hoping for. . . everything.
let something happen soon, even an air raid. nothing can be more crushing than this anxiety. let the end come, however cruel; at least then we'll know whether we are to be the victors or the vanquished.
yours, anne m. fran
k
